Hangover
by LikeOLikeH
Summary: Sara wakes up after a short night's sleep. Tegan and Sara. Quincest.
1. Chapter 1

Rated M for futur chapters. It was actually a oneshot but I'd probably turn it into a short multi-chapters story. Someday.

I apologize for the mistakes you might find. Enjoy & Please Review!

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I slowly opened my eyes and felt my head pound. _Shit, I should have take some aspirin last night. _I sighed and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. I stirred my muscles and felt something warm next to me; I turned my head to my right and almost had a heart attack. There was somebody sleeping next to me. I eyed her and noticed that she wasn't wearing any clothes. I looked down at my body under the cover and noticed that I was also naked. _Fuck, no more alcohol for me. _I managed to make my way out of my bed without disturbing the sleeping form next to me. My body felt sore. _Last night must have been rough _I supposed. I walked towards the bathroom and almost fell to the ground when my foot came in contact with an unexpected object. "Fuck!" I said out loud.I winced in pain and looked down to search for the cause of the pain. My eyes landed on the purple dildo lying on the floor. _This one is not even mine. _The girl shifted in her sleep and was now facing me. My eyes locked on her face and I could feel my heart stop in my chest. _Holy fucking shit!_ I blinked my eyes twice and she was still there, sleeping peacefully, with that same face. _This cannot be happening right now, I must be dreaming._

I looked down at my bare body and, suddenly feeling self-conscious from being exposed, ran to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I sat on the toilet and brought my hands to my face. I closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathing. _It is much too fast_. _I'm having a fucking heart atta- No, calm down. Just breathe. Deep breath. Everything is going to be okay. Inhale, exha- No! It's fucking not. You certainly had sex with you fucking sister you fucking idiot! _The realization hit me and I started to feel dizzy. I felt sick. I needed to puke. I quickly kneeled in front of the toilet before emptying the content of my heart was beating too fast, I felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. I heard noises coming from the other side of the door. _Shit, she's awake. She is going to kill me. _I couldn't steady my breathing. My lungs screamed for air and I could hear them wheeze. I needed my puffer.

"Sara? Open the door" I could hear her turn the knob, then pound on the door. _Stay locked in the bathroom and die here or open the door and let Tegan kill you. It's up to you._

"Sara, I know you're in there. Open the door before I break it down." I mustered enough strength to stand up and cover my naked form with a towel and unlock the door. Tegan walked in and eyed me worriedly.

"Are you okay?" she asked as she put her hand on my shoulder. I shoved it away and shook my head no. I guessed she heard me wheezing because without questioning me further, she stormed out of the bathroom and came back seconds later with my puffer. She pressed the plastic against my lips and I inhaled deeply. I let my body slide against the wall until my bum hit the floor. I took a few minutes to steady my breathing and closed my eyes. I heard Tegan sigh and she sat next to me on the floor. "Better?" she asked. I opened my eyes and eyed her. _Maybe she's upset but she doesn't want to show it because you're already feeling bad. _I slowly nodded my head and she smiled at me. I realized that she was fully clothed now. _Maybe she wasn't naked. Maybe you just hallucinated_. I sighed in relief then I remembered that I woke up naked and the sex toy. "You should stop drinking; you're always getting sick the morning after." She laughed.

I wanted to know why she slept in my bed. I needed to be sure before doing anything else. "Why were you naked in my bed?"

"Are you serious?" she started "You had a panic attack because I slept in your bed?" she laughed even harder.

"Answer the fucking question!" I almost screamed. Tegan looked shocked and angry … but I needed to know.

"Hey! Calm the fuck down" she yelled back and then she started to stand up. She leaned her body against the opposite wall and sighed heavily. "I thought we decided we'd never talk about it" My eyes grew wide.

"Never talk about what? What the fuck are you talking about Tegan?" I asked through clenched teeth

"You know exactly what I'm talking about!" She looked away from my burning gaze and bit her labret. I could tell she was embarrassed. "I mean, we never talked about it before so I guessed you didn't want to and I was fine with that." I didn't know what she was talking about … but I quickly understood then I felt the urge to empty my already empty stomach. Tegan hesitantly approached me but I immediately put a finger in the air to tell her to stop. She stayed aside while I puked and waited for me to finish. I didn't know exactly why she was waiting.

"Can you ju- I need to be alone. Can you give me a minute?" I said while rinsing my mouth. When she closed the door, I locked it and stepped in the empty tub; I tossed the towel to the ground and turn the water on. I buried my head in my knees and hopped that the sound of the shower would mask my sobs. _My girlfriend dumped me last night, I drank my ass off and fucked my sister. And it wasn't the first time apparently._ My cries got harder and I let the water wipe my tears away. I didn't how long I stayed in the tub, but when I eventually decided to go lie in bed and cry all day; I wasn't expecting to find Tegan sitting on the edge of the bed.

"I don't want to talk about it Tee, not now" I sighed and quickly corrected myself "Not ever" She stared blankly at me and silently nodded her head. She stood up and headed towards the door, she slowly turned her head to the side and, before leaving, she whispered "Don't let this ruin everything, just forget about it."


	2. Chapter 2

Here's chapter two! Thanks a lot for the reviews, it looks like you guys enjoyed the first chapter, I hope you'll enjoy this one too.

I'll try to update at least once a week for this story.

Enjoy & Please Review

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I stared inanimate at the white ceiling above, tears streaming on my face. The pillow underneath my head felt cold and wet. _Why is she acting like it isn't a big deal? She just admitted to me that we had sex … more than once. What the fuck is wrong with you Tegan?! I'm your goddamn sister! _I felt dirty, I felt violated. _She laid her fucking hands down on me_. I was drunk, I didn't know what I was doing and she took advantage of me, while I was in a weak position. I closed my eyes and let out a long shaky breath. I felt exhausted; I just wanted to sleep and woke up from that nightmare. I heard a light knock on my door and screamed at the top of my lungs "Fuck off"

"Sara …" Her voice sounded strange to my ears, it wasn't like hers. "Please … Let me in" And that was probably because it wasn't Tegan standing outside the door, begging me to let her in, thinking I couldn't hear her sobs behind the wooden barrier. I thought she would at least come to apologize; I thought she would throw herself at my feet and implore my forgiveness. She didn't. It wasn't Tegan standing outside that goddamn door. The knocking continued and I let my limp body direct itself to the door. I watched helplessly as my hand turned the knob. I felt like my body didn't belong to me anymore; I couldn't control it. I felt like I was condemned to live inside and it was my broken shelter. The door slowly opened, revealing Emy's sad figure. Her eyes widened and she eyed me up and down. _I guess I look like shit._ I spent the last two hours throwing up and crying; looking like a mess would be understandable.

"What do you want?" My voice cracked. I cleared my throat and looked at her through what we could probably describe as red and puffy eyes, waiting impatiently to hear her response as to why she interrupted me in my self-deprecating state, pitying myself and crying like I never did before nor thought I was able to.

"I just, I,I-" she sighed loudly and looked up at the ceiling, blinking her tears away. "Can I come in?" she asked embarrassed as a group of people passed by her in the hallway. I took a step to the side and motioned for her to come in. I couldn't say no to Emy, even if my mind screamed at me to tell her to go; I just couldn't, she owned my heart and I would do anything for her. Emy and I have been in a relationship for almost five years and I ruined it all. I pushed her away, I closed myself off from her and she let it pass, for months … until she just couldn't anymore. I should have listened to her when she was begging me to talk to her. _Look at you now moron, she warned you and you just didn't listen. Are you happy now that she left?_ Of course I wasn't. I just needed to cry on her shoulder, feel her comforting arms around me and hear her whisper in my ear that everything would be okay, that we would go through this, together. I closed the door and leaned my tired body against it, shedding a few tears as I watched her sitting on the bed. "Sara, I think …" she paused to exhale a sigh "I think I made mista-" she stopped abruptly, looking me in the eyes with a look of shock then dropping her gaze on the floor then back to me. "You were fast to move on" I followed her stare and my eyes landed on the strap-on lying on the floor. _This is not even mine_

"No, it's not-, Emy, let me ex-" I started to fumble with my words as she stood up and she cut me off

"The bus leaves in ten minutes, hurry up" her tone was now cold and obnoxious, causing the hair in the back of my neck to stand up. I watched in agony as opened the door and slammed it shut behind her. The sound of her footsteps faded away, along with my heart and soul … while I was left behind in my misery.

_A few hours later_

I stared blankly at the landscape through the window, my head resting on my palm. In the corner of my eyes, I saw Ted sitting across from me; he slid a cup of coffee towards me and waited for me to react. _Yeah that fucking coffee is going to solve everything._ I didn't move an inch. After an endless moment of awkward silence, he tried his next move and broke the ice. "How you're doing?" _Well, that's a fucking smart question. The woman of my life just cracked my ribcage open, ripped my heart out and threw it in a bonfire; and all of that just after I woke up naked with Tegan, who acknowledged having sex with me multiple times while I was drunk and completely unaware of it. Oh yeah, the funny part being that she thought we silently decided to never talk about It… And I have a fucking headache!_

"I'm fine." I figured that this would be a much more appropriate answer even if it was the most unbelievable lie ever. Throwing my gut in my guitarist's face was not an option.

"We'll be in Glasgow in about an hour, you should get some sleep" he sighed and then proceeded to stand up when Tegan plopped down next to me. He patted her shoulder on his way back to the bunks area. _Seriously?! _I would have rolled my eyes if I was still able of such a demonstration of feelings, if I wasn't empty on the inside.

"So …" she tried to engage a conversation. I flinched at the sound of her voice and it sent shivers down my spine. I slowly exhaled, trying to focus on my breathing, trying to avoid the feeling of the boiling blood running in my veins. Don't let it ruin everything, she said. _How ironic, huh?_ It already ruined everything … and it was eating me up from the inside. I swallowed back the anger and disgust that were longing in my throat and turned my face to her. _I can't even look at you without feeling sick_. She weakly smiled and shifted uncomfortably in her seat, causing her thigh to brush against mine.

"Tegan," I warned through clenched teeth; I couldn't bear to be this close to her, let alone having her touching me. "I need some space"

"Come on, Sar, don't be such a fucking cunt" Hopefully she stood up and start to leave before I could even process the information. I felt like my brain had been injured; everything was happening so fast for it to react and yet so slow to be real. My heart was missing and now it was my brain that decided to disconnect itself. Maybe it was some sort of defense mechanism. Maybe it was just too much pressure. Everything was spinning around me and it all became blurry. _Is this what it feels like to die? Am I actually dying? Did my brain just implode from the pressure? _Eventually I heard someone call my name and then I felt someone slap me before I blacked out.


	3. Chapter 3

Okay guys, here's the next chapter! I hope you'll like it. I have no idea yet for the rest of the story, so if you have any suggestion, don't hesitate to let me know! I'll be happy to make a mix of your ideas in the next chapters, I'm sure it'll be fun! I'm basically going to write the following chapter based on your ideas!

In the meanwhile, enjoy & review !

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« Sara, wake up » I heard Tegan whisper in my ear. I could feel her hands wrapped around mine and it didn't make me want to open my eyes, a part of me wanted me to stay unconscious; the only thing that eventually helped me decide to react was that I could feel her hot steady breath on my neck, which meant that her was face was actually pretty close to mine. Too close for my contentment. I exhaled a long sigh and kept my eyes closed.

"Back off" I said barely audible. She gasped then let go of my hand. I opened my eyes and slowly sat up, looking around; I didn't recognize my surroundings. It looked like a dressing room. _Shit, we're already there._ I covered my face with my hands and sighed loudly, my head was still pounding. _Fucking headache! _I looked up when I noticed Tegan standing in front of me, handing me a bottle of water and a sandwich.

"You passed out. I bet you haven't eaten all day" _Yeah, tell me something I don't know. _She waited for me to take them then sat on the couch across from me. _I'm not hungry though, I just need like a hundred of Tylenol. _I tossed the sandwich on the nearest table and took a sip from the bottle. "I think you should real-" I cut her off, I didn't need her to tell me what to do.

"Oh, fuck off Tegan! I don't need any advice coming from your fucking mouth." I said through clenched teeth, my fingers rubbing my temples. _Don't even answer Tegan, just shut the fuck up and leave me alone. _My eyes widened when I saw her open her mouth to speak. She looked taken aback by my sudden outburst.

"No need to be a bitch, I'm just trying to help" She quickly stood up and headed towards the door. She turned around when I screamed at her

"Help?!"I screamed as I stood up as well, ignoring my head that was about to explode and I made little steps to Tegan. "You were trying to help me as well when you fucking raped me?!" Tears slowly started to run down my cheeks, my breath was heavy. I started to shake, I couldn't take it anymore; I clenched my fist and punched her with all of my strength, causing her to fall backward against the door. _Wow! That's exactly what I needed to do, you fucking deserved it! _I felt my blood boiling in my veins, my heartbeat fastened and I could feel my pulse in my neck. I was about to hit her again but she recovered faster than what I thought; she forcefully pushed me away, making me step back until I was forced to sit back down on the couch and she screamed at me. I didn't know what she was telling; I was just so shocked by her reaction. My brain could only focus on what had just happened, I thought that she would hit me back and that we would get into a huge fists fight. _Do you even realize that I just hit you?_ My hands were trembling and my knuckles hurt badly. _I hope it's not broken thou- _My thoughts were cut off by Tegan's open palm slapping me. I tried to stand up but she slapped me again, twice before I could grab her wrist

"-but you fucking start it! Do you hear me? You started it!" _What are you talking about? I didn't start a fucking thing! _I was more than surprised by her accusation; I looked up at her as I let go of her wrist and saw her swollen lips covered in blood. _Did I do that? _ She licked her lips and tasted her own blood; she looked down at me and clenched her teeth. "Don't ever call me a fucking rapist again" She turned on her heels and started to walk back to the door. I leaned back against the couch as she slammed the door. The look she had in her eyes was frightening, I never saw it before; it gave me chills, it was so cold. I could have sworn that she was going to kill me … but she left. I sighed in relief and closed my eyes.

_How dare she say that? Why does she want me to think it is my fault? I wasn't even aware that it was happening at all! I would never have initiated something like that, it's fucking disgusting! _At that point, I didn't know how I was supposed to be around her again. I couldn't even look at her without feeling the anger taking over me. _She didn't even try to apologize! _I brought my knees up to my chest and let my head fall forward. _How am I supposed to go through this? _I exhaled a long shaky breath as I tried to hold back my tears. I never thought that Tegan was capable of any of this. _Fuck, Tegan you're my goddamn twin sister! Why would you do that?! _

_A few hours later_

We were all sitting in the dressing room, well, all except for Tegan. Everyone was silently blaming me though. The show was supposed to start in 10 minutes and Tegan was nowhere to be seen. She didn't respond to any of the calls or texts messages. I didn't try to join her even if I was as worried about her as everybody else, maybe even more. We were in fucking Scotland! Where the fuck would she go?!

"Maybe we should call the pol-" Shaun trailed off as the door suddenly opened. Tegan walked in and she eyed everyone, one by one. Everybody stayed silent, looking at her, waiting for somebody to break the awkward silence. She looked like a mess; it was obvious that she had been crying for hours.

"Whether you want it or not, we are going to talk. Now " she said calmly and firmly as her eyes landed on me. The determination in her voice sent shivers down my spine, I didn't like it. I gulped as I looked down at my feet, trying to find an escape. _Fuck! _I could feel everyone's eyes on me. I couldn't say what I wanted to say, not with everyone around me. I couldn't just scream at her and ask her why. I looked around, hoping that someone would see the distress in my eyes, hoping that someone would stand up for me. They didn't. Nobody did. They misunderstood. They thought I was politely asking them to leave us alone. I watched helplessly as they stood up, one by one, heading to the door. Ted was the last to leave; he didn't even say a single word as he closed the door, he didn't even look at me. I could feel Tegan's eyes burning holes in my skin but I didn't want to look at her, I looked everywhere else; even the dirty grey carpet was more appealing. I didn't know why but I felt nervous, in a weird way I wasn't angry anymore; I was just extremely anxious. I knew something big was going to happen; I just didn't how big yet. She sat on the couch across from me and cleared her throat

"I'm going to tell you how it started"


	4. Chapter 4

Sorry for the wait ... I blame the lack of inspiration. Let me know what you think!

Please everyone say thank you to **HesOnlyRadical **for the editing!

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"Sit." She ordered as I started to stand up, not wanting to have that conversation. I didn't want to know how she took advantage of me, I didn't want to hear how it started. _Seriously, who the fuck do you think you a- _I looked up and gulped when my eyes landed on Tegan's. She had _this _look, unfamiliar and somewhat scary, that told me to stay sit. I leaned back in the couch and waited…not once trailing my gaze away from hers until she started to talk. It looked like she was fighting with all of her strength to keep a blank expression on her face; her eyes betrayed her though. I would have told anyone who asked that I knew my twin better than anyone else, that I could read her like a book. She proved me wrong. I couldn't decipher that look. There was something behind it, something I didn't know. I didn't know what she had on her mind; for once in my life, I couldn't anticipate my sister's action. My eyes followed her as she took a seat on the couch across from me. _Doesn't even look like you're nervous._

"Remember a few months ago when you woke up in your spare bedroom and I was gone?" I nodded my head, telling her to go on. _What kind of crazy story are you going to make up with this? _ "That night…it was the first time. That's why I left. And that's why I wouldn't answer when you were calling me. Then you showed up at my door and I realized that you didn't want to talk about it or acknowledge it. You didn't even apologize…" She said as tears broke free, biting her lips to hold back the sobs.

The room was spinning around me, my vision was blurry, my head was still pounding and I could feel my heart frantically beat through my chest as Tegan spoke through clenched teeth, spitting her venom. I couldn't believe what she was saying, she made no sense at all, I had no memories of all of it; it couldn't be the truth. _Why would she lie about something like this? _Maybe she couldn't stand the guilt and was trying to blame me. _Why would she do that? _I felt my body tense as I looked up at my twin who was nervously biting her nails. _It doesn't look like she's lying though. _Suddenly I felt the urge to vomit when I caught up on what Tegan was saying

"-I kept saying no but you wouldn't budge and you kept going! I begged you to stop, I couldn't stop crying and you kept telling the same thing over and over again. 'It's gonna be fine Tee, just this once' you said…and you had this look in your ey-" I couldn't take it anymore, it was too much; I cut her off. _Why would she even think about things like that!_

"What the fuck are you talking about?! I never did that!" I shook my head in disbelief, feeling the anger building up.

"I'm not lying." She whispered as she buried her head in her trembling hands.

"Can you fucking hear yourself right now? That's utterly ridiculous Tegan! Do you even realize what you're insinuating?!" I shouted at her as I started to pace back and forth the dressing room, trying to figure out what was happening in my twin's mind. _Maybe she's just sick and needs help. Maybe I should talk to mom about this…wait, no way! There's no way I'm going to talk about any of this to anyone, it's just sick. It's all in her mind._

"That's because it never happened!" I reminded her, "seriously Tegan, stop it! That's fucking sick! I never touched you! You're the one who took advantage of me! What's fucking wrong with you?! Why do you want to throw the blame on me?! You need a fucking therapist!"

"What about all those nights when you sneaked in my bunk, saying that Emy couldn't give you _that_?! I let you do it…you said you loved me." She looked up at me with her pleading eyes, begging me to believe her as she cried. I stopped in my tracks and put all of my focus on her eyes; I needed to know what was hiding behind them. Then it hit me…all these mornings where Emy would ask me where I've been during the night and I couldn't give her an answer because I couldn't remember. _How could that be? Is she telling the truth? No, it can't be..._I felt my heart drop in my chest as the realization hit me. I felt a knot in my stomach as Tegan watched my every moves, waiting for an answer. I felt uncomfortable under her burning gaze; it made me feel like I was a wild animal ready to burst out at any time. My throat tightens and I felt the urge to puke again. This time, I couldn't hold it back. I grabbed the trash can and let my stomach emptied itself. _Fuck._ I instantly felt Tegan's hand on my back and flinched at the touch. _Why would she help me? _

"Sar, …," she sighed before adding, "I'm sorry I shouldn't have told you." She removed her hand from my back and took a step back. I let my numb body slide to the floor when I stopped shaking and hugged my knees to my chest while I cried. _How's that even possible? I should remember that! What kind of sick fuck am I?_ I watched as Tegan headed to the door and I started to panic when she placed her hand on the knob.

"Wait," I started in a low voice. I cleared my throat and continued when Tegan turned to face me,"why did you let me do that?" The something I couldn't decipher in her eyes was now gone and was replaced with…relief? Maybe she was afraid that I wouldn't believe her. Maybe she feared my reaction. Maybe she just needed me to acknowledge it.

"You didn't let me the choice at first…" I shut my eyes close and let the guilt and disgust take me over. _I'm the sick one._ I shouldn't have closed my eyes, that way I would have seen her blushing. I would have felt less disgusting. I would have known that I wasn't forcing her to do such a thing. I would have known that she enjoyed it. I would have known that she craved the moment where I would get drunk and sneak into her bunk. I would have known that she was always sober…and that she still wanted it. Instead, I closed my eyes and didn't see any of that. I didn't see that I wasn't the only one at fault; I blamed myself and only me.

"I'm so sorry, I-" I managed to choke out my apologies in a husky and shaky voice before she cut me off.

"-come on, it's too late to cancel the show now." She whispered with a weak smile plastered on her face. I nodded as a response. _How can you still think about that goddamn show? How come you don't want to kill me now? Why are you still here while I cry, when you should be hating me?! _ She reached out her hand to me and I hesitantly took it, allowing her to pick me up. She pulled me in for a hug as soon as I got on my feet. She traced comforting circles on my back as I cried on her shoulder. "Sara …It's going to be okay, I promise." _Why is she nice to me? Did I miss something? _She gently pulled away when my cries died down, giving me a questioning look. I nodded again, holding back some new tears and exhaling a long shaky breath. _Put on a smile and go out there, get rid of it; you can cry all you want when you're done._


	5. Chapter 5

Thanks for the reviews! Here's your rewarding, hope you'll like it! Let me know :)

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I didn't even know where we were heading as I laid in my bunk. That wasn't really a priority for me right now, I just didn't care. I didn't want to know where we were going, I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't to hear them laugh from the front of the bus. I didn't want to feel anymore, I just didn't want to be anymore. _You're fucking pathetic; nobody gives a shit about your issues. You caused them, deal with that by yourself._ _Tegan doesn't even seem to care either. _I felt sick, I was a mess and I couldn't stop crying. At some point I thought I would run out of tears. I didn't. I headed to the bus as soon as the show was over. Talking about the show, it wasn't as awful as I expected it to be. People seemed to be having a fun time. They even cheered and sang along, shouting I love you's from time to time. _How can anyone love me? I don't deserve to be loved. I'm disgusting, I'm sick. They don't even know me. If they knew what kind of monster I was, they probably wouldn't do any of that. They would be judging and despising me, and they'll be right. That's what I deserve. I probably deserve to be locked somewhere in a basement, where I couldn't hurt anyone._

"Sara?" I jumped at the sound of her voice and shut my eyes close, forcing the tears out. I didn't want to see anyone but I didn't want to be seen either. I didn't want people to even acknowledge me, I wanted to disappear. I opened my eyes and saw Emy looking straight into my eyes, her eyes filled with pity and remorse. _She doesn't know what you did. Otherwise, she would let you down, like you deserve to be, left and forgotten. _"Oh, Sara" she said with a shaky voice, ready to break down. I just looked at her, inanimate. I didn't know how to function anymore and I was fine with it because I didn't want to. "I'm so sorry Sar … but you know we can't make it work. We tried." She said quietly, her eyes filling with tears. She sat on my bunk and took my hand in hers, holding me tight as we both cried … for different reasons. "You're gonna be fine, you're not alone in this" I just stared at her blankly, showing not emotions at all in spite of the tears streaming down my cold cheeks. I didn't want to talk to her, what could I say? I almost forgot about the breakup, I guess it didn't really matter now. I had so many things on my mind; I hadn't the time to think about her. I had no many things to figure out. I vainly thought about solutions to my problem. There wasn't any. It was something I couldn't fix. I just needed to wait and see what would happen next. _How can she live with that?! She will have to see my face every fucking day of her life! How can she do that? How can she possibly look at me, let alone work with me?! It's like a nightmare that never ends. _I sighed and turned on my side, facing the wall and making Emy let go of my hand. I needed to be alone. I had to go through this by myself. I didn't deserve any support. I felt exhausted and the crying didn't help with my headache, but I didn't want fall asleep. I didn't have time to sleep. I needed to find something, anything. I couldn't let Tegan like this, not with what I'd done to her.

I woke up hours later in the same position from a restless sleep. I felt like shit, the tears started to break free as soon as I opened my eyes. I turned on my back and sighed loudly as I hid my face in my hands. Suddenly, I heard the curtain of my bunk being open and I took a deep breath. I didn't to want face the world yet, I didn't have the strength to do so, the thought alone was exhausting.

"You okay?" I heard Tegan say. _Why do you care? You shouldn't! _I felt her gently rub my arms before she spoke again. "We should be at the hotel in a few minutes now; you should pack your bag for the night." She sighed and gave a squeeze to my arm before leaving me. I didn't even look at her, how could I without feeling ashamed? Shame was an understatement; I didn't know how to describe the state I was in. I was a monster.

A few minutes later, we were all in the lobby of the hotel waiting for our keys. Everybody was quiet, silently checking up on me. I felt like an animal, all eyes were on me, I could feel their burning gaze. I didn't dare to look up though, I was afraid of what I could read in their eyes. Chris finally showed up with everyone's key, handing them out to their temporary owners and saying their room's number to everyone as he did so. And when I thought that things couldn't possibly be worse, I was again proved wrong; Tegan and I had to share a room. I felt my breathing fasten at the thought of being locked in a room with her. I slowly turned my face to the side, waiting for Tegan to tell me to get another room. I saw her smiling at me instead, before taking her bag from the floor and heading to the elevators. I didn't know what to do; I just stood there like an idiot, in the middle of the lobby. _Why was she smiling? She's really acting weird. She doesn't have to pretend anymore, she can openly hate me without me being a bitch about that. What's wrong with her? Did she lie to me? No, she would not do that; she would not let me like this for no reason._

I dropped my bag to the floor and dragged my numb body to the bed, lying on my back. Tegan was sitting on her bed, watching my every move. She probably had something in mind; otherwise I didn't understand why she would allow me to sleep a few feet away from her.

"Do you … want … to … talk?" she hesitantly asked. I was lost, I couldn't understand her behavior. I had no choice but to actually talk to her, ask her why she was acting like nothing ever happened. She needed to know that she didn't have to do this, she didn't have to talk to me or see me ever again. I could just disappear from her life. I owed her that, at least. I nodded my head and bit hard on my lip, trying to hold back the sobs that were threatening to break free. My eyes filled with tears as I turned my face to face her. She looked at me like I was dying, her eyes full of pity. She got up and sat down on my bed, again rubbing my arm with a weak smile.

"Y-y-you don't h-have t-to…" I trailed off, unable to speak properly through the sobs

"It's okay Sar," she told me. She laid down next to me, placing her hand on my waist and pulling me closer to her. _What the fu- _"Turn on your side" I reluctantly obeyed and felt her spoon me from behind. _I must have missed something; this is not how it is supposed to be. _Oddly enough, I wasn't freaking out because of the closeness of our bodies … it was as comforting as incoherent. "I'm sorry Sasa … It's gonna be okay" she whispered in my neck. I forgot how to move and how to speak. I wanted to jump out of bed and scream at her; tell her that she should be disgusted by me instead of wanting to be this close; I wanted to tell her how she should be yelling at me and calling me names instead of whispering sweet things in my ear; I wanted to beg her to hurt me instead of tracing relaxing figures on my waist. "Breathe calmly and try to relax, you're so tensed" she whispered again. I just laid there, frozen.

Half an hour later, I mustered enough strength to form a sentence but I didn't move. As selfish as it was, Tegan's arms made me feel comfortable and I didn't want her to let go; she didn't seem to care though. "Why do you do this? You don't have to act like nothing happened. It's okay if you don't want to ever see me again, I deserve this."

"But I don't want that." She quickly responded, pressing her body harder against mine. "I love you, and I don't want to lose you over a past mistake" _How do they call that again? Stockholm Syndrome?_


	6. Chapter 6

Thanks for the reviews ... but this chapter is probably a boring one. At least I feel like it is. Let me know what you think! Maybe I'd do another one to replace this one if you ask nicely because I really think that this chapter is kinda lame so ... Be honest guys! ;)

To **fingerthrob** : Probably no ... I can't even find what you're referring to. Could you possibly send a full link, please? I'm intrigued now!

Anyway, I still have no idea of where this story is going so if you have any suggestions ... Don't hold back!

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"But I don't want that." She quickly responded, pressing her body harder against mine. "I love you, and I don't want to lose you over a past mistake" _How do they call that again? Stockholm Syndrome?_ "I don't want you to feel bad about that, just forget it, I'm okay" she said then kissed my neck multiple times before I had a chance to process what was happening and react. I jumped out of bed and stared at her in shock.

"What are you doing?!" I quickly asked as I eyed her; I took a deep breath and tried to clear my mind. "This is not okay Tegan. You are not okay. You need to talk to someone about this" I said as I stepped back, until the back of my knees hit her bed and forced me to sit down. I put my head in my hands and exhaled a long sigh. _This is so fucked up_. _She needs to talk to someone … but then everybody will know … I need to disappear._

"Hey," she said while she grabbed my hands, making me look down at her. She was on her knees in front of me, a smile plastered on her face, while my body relaxed under her touch. "It's okay Sara, I want this too" she whispered as she began to run her right hand up my inner thigh, sending shivers down my spine. This simple touch has awakened all the nerves in my body, even those that shouldn't react under my sister's hand. I shoved her hand away and quickly got up as I tried to convince myself that I hadn't felt it everywhere. I stared to pace back and forth the hotel room, massaging my temples, trying to understand her, trying to understand how we ended up like this. This wasn't how it was supposed to be.

"No, no Tegan. You don't want this! And me neither! I'm sorry for what I did …I really am … but it wasn't me, I didn't know what I was doing and I don't want that! You think you want that but you don't, y-y-you can't. You need help" I managed to say and took a deep breath afterwards. Tegan eyed me worriedly then started to chuckle. _What's so funny about that? What's wrong with you?!_

"Come on Sara, that's ridiculous," she laughed "I know what you have in mind, but you're wrong. You caught me off guard but in some weird way, you just helped me realize that I wanted it … for so long. And I know you want it too … Otherwise you wouldn't sneak in my bunk that often" She said in a low voice, biting her lips. I just stared at her, not able to function anymore. It was too much to process. _She wants that? How she can sh- I'm her fucking sister! It's so fucked up! She's so fucked up! _She got up and started to walk towards me, looking me dead in the eyes as I stepped back. She stood in front of me, shyly smiling as I found myself trapped between my sister's body and one of the room's walls.

"Tegan, stop it" I warned in a whisper, turning my face away from hers. I extended my arm and place my palm flat on her chest, trying to keep her at an arm length. The closeness of our bodies making me feel extremely uncomfortable, I couldn't stand it, not with all that had happened. She placed her hand over mine and pressed her body against mine anyway as I weakly and vainly tried to push her away.

"It's okay Sar … I know you want it too" she whispered back in my ear before she started to gently kiss at my sensitive spot. As odd as it can be, I felt my body react to her touch and pressed my thighs together in an attempt to stop it. She grabbed me by the waist and brought my hips closer to hers. _What the fuck?! Do something you idiot! You can't let her touch you like that! She's your goddamn sister! _I started to push her away and shook my head frantically. She opened her eyes and looked at me questioningly

"No." I stated firmly

"Okay" She took a step back and let go of my waist, slightly tugging on the button of my jeans with her index finger as she did so and sending jolt to my core. I headed straight to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I let my body slide against the door and down to the cold bathroom's floor as I exhaled a breath I didn't know I was holding. I hugged my knees to my chest and let my head fall forwards; I felt exhausted and I didn't know what to do. _Why? Why did she do that? Why did I let her do it? Did it really happen at all? Why did I enjoy it? What is happening to me? _I tried to hold back some tears that were threatening to break free; I had already cried enough. I didn't know how to face it, I wasn't strong enough. I thought that nothing could ever be worst than when Tegan broke the news to me that I was a rapist; now again, I was wrong. I felt weak, I didn't want to face that. I just wanted to go home, be by myself and hide there forever. I never wanted to face the world again. I didn't want to be me anymore, I couldn't. I couldn't even look at my reflection in a mirror without falling apart. A small part of me though, wanted me to stay and confront the consequences of my actions. As little as this part was, I could still feel it in my chest, like a burden, telling me to go out there. It was telling me that I needed to act like a responsible adult; that I needed to clean up the mess that I had caused. It was telling me to go out there and let her spill her heart out, that I deserved this, that I owned her this. I choose to be selfish and ignored my conscious. Like I said, I hadn't the strength to deal with anything, let alone Tegan's craziness.

I waited in the bathroom until I couldn't hear any sounds coming from the room. Hoping that Tegan had left, I slowly opened the door and peeked inside to see if she was indeed gone but the lights were off, I couldn't see anything. I started to collect myself and headed to my bed, then jumped when I suddenly heard Tegan's voice in the darkness, causing my heart skipped a beat. _Why the fuck are you still here?!_

"Finally" she sighed loudly as she turned the light on. I watched her as she sat up in her bed. "Don't beat yourself up about this, it's not that big of a deal" she said sleepily

"Are you fucking serious?! Of course it is a big deal! You told me that I've fucking raped you," the words making me flinch as I whisper-yelled, afraid to be overheard "and now you just lost your fucking mind, Tegan! What's wrong with you? Why do you act like this?" I asked, willing to hear whatever she had to say. I just needed to know the truth. She couldn't really want to have sex with me; she certainly had something in her mind. _Maybe she wants to change the roles, that way I would feel how she felt … she would get a kind of revenge. _I gulped as I waited for her response, already nervous that I might be right.

"I already told you," she sighed "I love you and I'm just waiting for you to realize it too" she smiled shyly at me before looking away.

"Tegan, you know I love you too, more than anything … but this whole thing, I think it confused you and I think you need to talk to a therapist and I'm ready to le-" She cut me off before I could finish

"You don't get it Sara … I'm in love with you" She said, looking down at her hands. I stared at her in shock, unable to move or respond. What could I say at this?


	7. Chapter 7

Thanks for the reviews, it really motivated me to finish this next chapter!

To **fingerthrob **: Oh yeah, that's what you're talking about! Well, they really fought before a show in Glasgow in 2008 and I wanted to have that in this story, that's all

To **none** : Thanks for the suggestion, we're not there yet but I hope you'll enjoy the next chapter though!

Enjoy & Review!

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"Sara, come on, say something." Tegan said in a pleading tone. I didn't know what to do or say. I just stood there, unmoving, thinking about how my life drastically changed in a matter of hours. I couldn't even describe how I was feeling. Part of me wanted to scream at her for being honest with me and for helping me see what kind of person I really was. I wanted to be angry at her but I didn't know how I could. I couldn't in fact. Not with all that I did to her, not with what I put her through, with how I made her feel.

I sat down on my bed and sighed. "What do you want me to say, Tegan?" I asked in a whisper then looked up at her. I saw her shrug her shoulders as she nervously bit on her nails. We stayed silent for a few minutes after that, which allowed me to think more before the sound of Tegan's sobs brought me back to reality. _Oh fuck! _I couldn't let her cry because of this, because of me. I already hurt her enough. This situation was out of control; it was too much. _How did we end up like this? We were fine before … _"Tegan?" I said hesitantly, not knowing what else to say. She didn't respond, she let me without an answer as I tried to figure out what to do. It wasn't her place to find a solution anyway, I had to find one. I made my way to her bed and sat down next to her, causing her to lift her head up. I pull her in for a hug, hoping it would somewhat comfort her. She put her arms around me and held me tight as she cried on my shoulder. To any observer, this embrace wouldn't look weird or inappropriate in any way. We were just twin sisters hugging each other. To me, it was something else, something more. Something I hadn't felt in a long time, something I didn't know Tegan could cause. I didn't want to feel _this_ way around her; it was making me feel uncomfortable. My mind wasn't at ease. As much as I tried to convince myself that it was nothing bad, I knew it wasn't right, I knew I shouldn't feel like that because of Tegan. I quickly unwrapped my arms from Tegan's body and stood up abruptly.

I didn't know what I was doing; it felt like I had lost all the control over my own body. My mind was racing and I found myself knocking on Emy's door before I had a chance to know it. After a few minutes of pounding on the wooden material, the door slowly opened and I was met with a sleepy Emy. Deep inside of me, I knew that I could trust Emy, no matter what. She has been my rock for so many years; she would always be there for me. Even if we couldn't make our relationship work, we still had this connection between us; it was something that we couldn't change once it has been established.

"Sara, what's wrong?" Her eyes suddenly opened wide as she eyed my face. I didn't know what my face reflected, but it couldn't possibly be worst than what was going on inside of my head. Confused, anxious, lost, … those were all words that didn't even begin to describe how I was feeling.

"Can we talk?" I blurted out blatantly

"Sara," she sighed before continuing "it's two in the morning. We already ta-"

"-No, no," I cut her off before she could find any excuse. "Not about us. I need to talk to you about … something." I said, pleading with my eyes to let me in.

"Okay." She whispered, taking a step to the side to let me in.

I sat down on her bed and waited for her to get comfortable. It was just then that I realized that I didn't know what to tell her. I didn't even know what brought me here in the first place. Of course Emy was always kind and has always been able to provide me some kind of comfort, but this wasn't enough for what I had on my mind. I couldn't just spell it out in the open like this, no one could ever know. We would be done otherwise. There would be no Tegan and Sara anymore, and I wasn't ready to give up on that. We had worked so hard to get where we were. It would ruin my career, my own family and friends would despise me, I would even go to jail. I couldn't let this ruin everything.

I started to panic as the thoughts rushed in my mind but Emy caught up. I could always count on her.

"Sara, calm down. Just tell me what's wrong" She put her arm around my shoulder and allowed me to lean into the safety of her arms. I felt my heart drop when my body pressed against hers; I realized that this was probably the last time that I would be this close to her or anyone. Nobody would ever want to be with me anymore, I was a monster. I took a deep breath and tried to focus on what I was going to say, I had to be very careful.

"What would you do if you hurt someone, _really_ bad? Like something unforgivable. And then that someone doesn't even seem to care and tells you that they are in love with you?" The words slipped out of my mouth before I could stop myself.

"Is it Tegan?" she asked after a few minutes of reflection. My eyes grew wide and I sat back up as I stared at her in shock. _What the fuck? Did Tegan talk to her? Is this why she broke up with me? _

"W-what? She's my fucking sister, why would you even ask that?" I asked, trying to sound convincing.

"I know you Sara. And I know when you are lying." She smiled weakly. I didn't even know who I was trying to fool. "And you're lying right now"

"H-h-how did you know?"

"You have to be blind if you can't see that she's in love with you," she chuckled sadly "and I heard you once when Tegan was staying with you in Montreal … I thought I would be able to live with that but I just can't" she added. It felt like she just stabbed me in the heart. All this time she knew and she let it destroy her, bit by bit.

"I didn't even know what I was doing, I was drunk. I'm so sorry Emy, I-I-" I lost my ability to speak as the sobs started to escape my throat. I felt Emy pushed on my shoulders until I was lying flat on my back and she laid next to me, holding me as I cried. I curled up in the fetal position and immediately felt Emy's warm body pressed against mine. It amazed me how supportive she was in any case, even when she was also the victim. I am the one who made our relationship fall apart and still, she was there, trying to comfort me, tracing random figures on my arm while I was too busy pitying myself. She waited patiently until I was done and then silently listened to me. I told her everything I knew and she didn't even flinch, not even the slightest bit. I felt kind of relieved when I was finished. It was like a weight has been taken from my shoulders; I didn't need to carry that baggage alone anymore, Emy knew too.

The next morning, I woke up feeling rejuvenated. I was decided to try to repair my actions, I knew I had to. I wanted to try and make Emy and I's breakup worth it. We couldn't stay like that forever. We couldn't even last the whole tour like this. We needed to find a solution if we wanted to make it work. If Tegan was willing to forgive me, I would do anything I could to make her forget.

I opened my eyes and was met with Emy's face a few centimeters from mine. I didn't remember falling asleep with her but it made me smile; it was a nice way to wake up. I allowed myself to stare at her and studied every inch of her face before I started to get up. I didn't want to leave; she was a part of me. I felt safe around her and I didn't want to go and risk to never have that safety back. No more waking up to innocence but I knew I had to, I needed to confront Tegan, I needed to help her heal, I needed to cover up the damages.


	8. Chapter 8

Hey guys! Sorry for the wait …

I first wrote this chapter in French then translated it in English and so I feel disappointed by it now because it just doesn't feel the same. I feel like there's something that just disappeared … it's just so weird. Anyway, let me know what you think. Your opinion really matters and could influence the next chapters.

Enjoy & Please Review!

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As we headed to the airport in London, I stared out at the bus window and all I could feel was Tegan's gaze burning holes in the back of my skull. I hadn't muster enough courage to talk to her since she said that she was in love with me; it was killing me to see her hurting like that because of me but I didn't know how to bring that back. The tension between us was palpable and it started to make everyone feel uncomfortable. Nobody, except for Emy, knew what was going on and nobody has had the gut to ask. Even though we still tried to banter on stage, everytime she would talk to me off stage, I would froze in my spot and would find myself unable to think properly to even respond to her. She hadn't lost it yet, she was just patiently waiting for me to come back to her and I was grateful to have such an understanding sister. It should have been the other way but it wasn't. It was insane.

A light tap on my shoulder shook me out of my reverie. I looked up and saw Emy smiling sadly at me. She had been very supportive and I didn't know how I would have done without her… I still didn't know how I was going to do without her. She was going to leave today; she decided to not continue the tour with us. She said she needed time away from me to recover and that _maybe_ she'll come back before the tour ended. I highly doubted that. _She is going to go for good, as far away from me as possible._

"Hi," she said awkwardly before sitting down next to me "You're okay?" I took a moment to think about. I finally had stopped crying, I started to block everything –mostly Tegan– out of my mind and I could finally sleep. Even if the guilt was eating me from the inside, I felt better.

"I guess" I answered slowly. I knew I should have asked her how _she _was feeling, how she was dealing with that, how she was feeling about dating a rapist for almost five years. I knew I should but I just couldn't. I knew I wasn't ready to hear her response. _You're just a selfish sick weirdo!_ I sighed heavily and turned my head back to the window. I couldn't stand looking her in the eyes and I didn't know how she could even look at me, let alone talk to me and be nice to me. I couldn't stand to look at my reflection in the mirror, it made me feel sick.

"Did you talk to her yet?" she whispered in my ear. Feeling her hot breath on my neck made me shiver. I closed my eyes and tried to suppress the urge to grab her face with both of my hands and ravish her lips. I missed her so bad. I just wanted to have a time machine and make things work with her. _There are other things you should do if you had a time machine. What about, never rape your sister?_ I opened my eyes as soon as theses thoughts crossed my mind. I shouldn't think about things I shouldn't have done, it won't make anything better. "So?" I turned my face to Emy and saw her staring at me with furrowed brows.

"Wh- Oh, no. I-I …" I sighed "I'm not ready yet" I admitted in a whisper

"Sara, you have to!" she whispered again, afraid that Tegan would overhear us

"Emy …" I whimpered, begging her to just drop it. I didn't have the strength for that … not yet.

A few hours later, we were standing in the busy airport, waiting for our flight to Munich, Germany. I felt like it was all I was doing in my life : _waiting_. I looked around for a free seat and groaned when I spotted the only free one, between two gross looking men. I opted for the floor instead, resting my back on the wall. I took this opportunity to try and clear my mind. It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. Being surrounded by dozen of hundreds people rushing all over the place, talking, laughing and screaming wasn't that peaceful. Quickly, it all became too much, I felt under pressure. I felt like I was suffocating, I started to panic, I needed to escape. I stood up with trembling legs and grabbed my purse as I started to walk away from the noise, from the people, from everything. I ignored my friends asking me where I was going, calling after me and walked as fast as I could. I found the restroom and sighed in relief when I entered it; it was empty. I dragged my body in front of the sink, avoiding my reflection in the mirror above and turned the faucet on. Maybe some cold water on my face would help me calm down. It didn't. I started to sweat, my chest tightened and my breathing considerably fastened for no reason. I didn't feel the need to take my puffer though; I could breathe … I was just stressed out. Maybe it was my body's way of saying "get your shit together, do something".

It took me a few minutes to calm down but I eventually did without using my puffer. It took me another few minutes to decide to go back out there. When I came back, I saw Ted and Emy hugging each other and I instantly felt my heart ache. She was leaving. I just stood there unmoving, staring at her as she said her goodbyes to everyone before she caught sight of me. She slowly made her way to me, smiling weakly as she locked her eyes on mine.

"My plane is boarding …" she said, looking down at her feet. I nodded my head when she looked up. I could literally feel myself starting to break down; I already felt lost even though she was still there … I was going to be alone. A shaky breath escaped my lips when I felt the first tears starting to form in my eyes. Emy must have noticed it because no longer that a second after, her arms were around me. I melt in her embrace and buried my face in her neck as I started to cry. "It's going to be okay" she tried to assure me, rubbing small circles on my back. I put an arm around her neck and the other one on her waist, grabbing her jacket in my fist in a death grip.

"I don't want you to go" I sobbed, trying desperately to hold her back

"I know" she said in a whisper

"I love you, Em" I managed to choke out through my sobs. I sounded so fucking desperate … probably because I was _that _desperate. I was losing a lover and a great friend at the same time.

"I'm sorry" she whispered again, starting to pull away. I tightened my grip on her, vainly trying to hold her even tighter that I was already. "Sara …" she whimpered, catching on my desperation. I slowly let her pull away, allowing myself to take in her scent and drowning myself in her eyes. She brought her hand up to my face and caressed my cheek with her thumb and wiping away my tears, smiling sadly as a tear rolled down her own cheek. "Take care" and with that she was gone. I couldn't stop the tears pouring in my eyes. I hid my face with my hands and lowered my head while I cried, not caring about crying in front of everyone for once. I just wanted to lie down somewhere and cry. I was torn apart. I wouldn't be the same anymore, I couldn't. Things were really over with Emy. She left me … and she took my heart with her.

I just stood there, crying in the middle of the airport, feeling numb. I felt nothing inside, I felt empty. _You're on your own now._


	9. Chapter 9

Thanks for the reviews guys! It really means a lot to me! Okay so here's the next chapter. Another weird one. Let me know what you think! (Sorry for the mistakes! I blame laziness.)

Enjoy & Please Review!

This one's for you cowboy … maybe you're still mad. I hope you're not. It's a weird dedication but who cares? It's just my way of saying that I kind of miss you!

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The flight to Munich was a blur; I couldn't even remember getting on the plane. I was _so _busy trying not to cry that I didn't even notice when Tegan traded her seat with Ted's to sit next to me. But somehow, her presence has had a good effect on me; it calmed me down a bit.

When we arrived to the hotel late at night, around 2 am, everyone was exhausted. Hopefully, today was a day off so we could all just rest in our respective room. As often, Tegan and I had to share a room and I was too emotionally drained to even argue about that; I just wanted to crawl in bed and sleep until we had to play tomorrow. Quickly enough, we all received our keys and gathered our stuffs up to our room. Al, Ted, Tegan and I went first to the elevator, we stayed silent the whole ride, not even saying goodnight when we separated from the boys on the third floor, only exchanging tired smiles. Even though, the three of them had witnessed my little breakdown back at the airport, none of them talk about it nor even acknowledge it. That until Tegan and I were alone, awkwardly walking down the hall to our room with our heavy luggage.

"You really loved her, uh?" she said with a bit of jealousy in her tone. _Shut the fuck up Tegan! _I found it very inappropriate to even talk about it, especially from her. We used to be very supportive of one another, we would always be there for the other whenever she'd have a bad time or whatever, we would always know how to comfort the other and we would always find a way to make it better. Blatantly talking about a heartbreak in the middle of an expensive hotel wasn't a comforting thing to me, and Tegan knew it. The fact that she would do it on purpose and hurt me caused my inside to twitch in pain. It was deeply saddening to see how quickly our relationship was deteriorating. And I couldn't even blame her for that, I was the one who destroyed everything in the first place so I stayed quiet and ignored her. It would have led to another fight anyway. I took her words like a knife in the gut and kept walking to our room, eyes filling with tears.

When we reached our room I quickly unlocked the door, willing to crawl under the sheets and hide my tears, but I froze in the doorway when the door opened completely, letting me see the inside of the room. _Are you fucking kidding me?!_ Tegan chuckled behind me before walking past me and into the room. She dropped her bag on the floor near the bed and plopped down on it while I stared in shock, still in the doorway. She was lying on the double bed, the only one in the room. _There's not even a couch to sleep on!_

"Looks like we're going to share a bed tonight, Sara" Tegan said as she sat up, looking at me with a bit of a grin forming on her lips. _I'm not sleeping with you tonight! Period._ I took a step back and closed the door, leaving Tegan to lie alone in the huge bed. I just couldn't do it. I went to the reception to ask for another room.

I was growing impatient when the young boy finally looked up at me from his computer. I looked at him through heavy eyelids and waited for him to speak.

"Unfortunately, we don't have any more room available for the moment." He said with a grimace. His German accent and the current state I was in made it a little bit complicated for me to understand him but I eventually did. I nodded my head and hopelessly headed back to Tegan and I's room. When I opened the door, Tegan was already under the sheets, ready to let the sleep take over.

"You finally saw you didn't have a choice?" she asked tiredly, ending with a sigh. Her back was towards me and I could see the space she left for me in the bed. I couldn't help but felt angry at her. _Why on earth would I sleep in the same bed as you?! _In my mind, it was unbelievable that she wasn't even a bit bothered by it … or at least, she didn't show it. I awkwardly sat down on the chair, facing Tegan.

"What are you doing? You're not going to sleep?" she asked with disbelief in her voice

"No"

"Come on Sara, you're ridiculous. We've shared beds _before_" she said as she closed her eyes. It wasn't even a big deal for her and it only made me angrier. She just didn't care.

"Yeah, well … that was before" I snapped before standing up. Before she had a chance to respond, I was out the door again. I was so pissed off I couldn't feel the tiredness anymore. I wandered around in the hotel for a bit before I spotted the hotel's bar, where I took a stool. _I'm just going to go to sleep when Tegan wakes up._

"What can I get you?" the bartender asked me from across the bar. I wasn't here to drink in the first place, but since he asked so nicely … A single glass wouldn't hurt anyone. _I could even get drunk, no one would care!_

"Um, … whiskey. Please." He nodded his head and a few seconds later, a small glass was being placed in front of me. I politely thanked him and took a sip from the brown liquid.

Four glasses later, I was in the depressive-stage of drunkenness. I couldn't get Emy out of my mind, I was reliving moments of our relationship and fantasying about how it could have been if I hadn't fucked up. I was sure _she _was the one but she just left and there was no way I could win her back. Not with what I've done. _I would probably never see her again_._ Nothing would ever be the same again. I just fucked up. As usual._

"There you are!" I heard a familiar voice say. I apprehensively turned around and saw Tegan staring back at me, worry written all over her face. _Why do you have to be always there?! Why do you still care?! _I sighed and turned back around. I wasn't in the mood to even look at her. She just reminded me so much of myself … and I just wanted to forget who I was, even for just a minute. "You're coming or what? You need to sleep!" she said visibly upset and it only pissed me off. _Why is she upset? I let her have the bed!_

"You know what?! I'm not 8 anymore; just leave me the fuck alone! Why are you even here?!"

"Why am I here?! Because I care, Sara! We're in a foreign city! You don't even speak their language! I was worried, okay? I thought you went out or something …" she trailed off, calming down a bit as she waited for my reaction.

"You shouldn't care!" I almost yelled, trying to make her remember what I had done to her before turning back around and motioning to the bartender for another drink. Tegan quickly cancelled my order, telling him I already had drunk enough.

"Come on, Sar," she started as she made me get up "don't say things like that. I will always care about you. No matter what happen between us, okay?" her words echoed in my mind as we reached the elevator. I couldn't understand why she cared so much and I didn't want to believe that it was because she was actually really in love with me. It was just not possible.

My arm hung lazily on my sister's shoulder while she held me by the waist; the exhaustion and alcohol affected my ability to walk by myself. By the time we reached our room, I had started crying and I didn't even know why. I was physically and emotionally drained. Tegan helped me to the bed and whispered sweet nothing in the air. It was really odd; I couldn't put a finger on what I was feeling. One minute I hated her and I just wanted to strangle her and the other I just wanted her to be near me, just like in this moment. She sat on the bed, facing me, and waited a few minutes until I my crying died down.

"So, …" she started uncertain "Do you want to talk about _it_?" I kept looking in her eyes while I slowly shook my head. I tried to understand what _it_ was. Was it Emy and I's breakup? Was it what was going on between us? Either way, I didn't want to talk about it. "Okay" she said in a whisper before she started to stand up. My eyes followed her as she stood next to the bed and started to unbutton her shirt. I saw her undress a billion times but this time was different. I didn't want to look away like I usually did. My eyes were locked on her fingers as they worked to get rid of her shirt, exposing her creamy skin in the dim light. Suddenly she stopped, our eyes locked briefly before she continued to undress. Slowly, her hands made their way to her pants, she unbuttoned and unzipped them. Everything was so slow, I didn't know if it was because of the alcohol … but in the moment, I didn't care. I didn't care about anything. I didn't want to think about the fact that I was watching my sister undress … and that I was enjoying it. She was turning me on, she was making me wet. _Fuck! _As soon as my mind caught up on what was happening, I abruptly stood up and headed to the bathroom.

I grabbed the sink to keep me steady, my knuckles turning white from the death grip, my breathing was ragged and my mind was racing. _What is she doing to me?! How can she- Fuck! How did I not notice how hot she was before? Shut the fuck up, you shouldn't think about her like that! She's your goddamn sister! Your twin … her body's so similar to mine. Fuck! _I took a deep breath and tried to ignore the warmth between my legs. _It's just the alcohol, it's not her specifically … it would have been the same with any other girl. It's okay, no biggie. Fuck! I'm so turned on right now; I can't go back out there like this!_ Slowly, I let go of the sink and rest my body against the cold wall. I started to unbuckle my belt, taking deep breath. _You're not going to touch yourself because of your sister, it's just alcohol. _I let my pants slide against my thighs and down to my ankles and kicked them off. I didn't want to waste any more time, I quickly shoved my hand into my boyshort and my fingers found an incredible wetness. I started to roughly rub my clit before entering myself with two digits. _Fuck! _I fastened my pace; I knew I wouldn't last long. I pumped hard and fast, teetering on the edge when the door opened then quickly closed, barely letting me hear the "oops" from Tegan. _Shit! _In a flash, both of my hands were at my side and I was storming out of the door.

"Never heard about knocking?!" I said through clenched teeth, my face inches from hers. Tegan didn't respond, she just kept laughing like an idiot. I forcefully pushed her and she fell back down on the bed, still chuckling. _Does she really think I'm kidding right now?! _In a second, I was on top on her, pushing her down further into the mattress. "You think I'm kidding, uh?" I asked as I raised my eyebrows. That's when I realized that she was only wearing her underwear and matching bra, raising her hips to meet mine, equally clothed with my boyshort.

"Am I turning you on?" she asked, her breath came out ragged just like mine. I looked at her, frozen in my spot on top of her.

"Wh-what?! No! No way" I managed to say then tried to get up before she grabbed me by the collar of my shirt, bringing me closer to her.

"Then what were you doing in there?" she asked with a smile. _Of course she saw what you were doing, idiot! _I tried to get out of bed but she wouldn't let me go. My mind was fuzzy and I wasn't in a state to really fight against her. In a quick movement, she was on top on me, straddling my waist. "I know what you were doing Sar" she chuckled as she grabbed my right hand, bringing my fingers to her lips. My jaw dropped open. The same fingers that were inside of me minutes ago. I couldn't move, I just stared at her in shock as she opened her mouth and licked my fingers clean.

"Wh-what are you doing?" I asked, somewhat out of breath. I swear in that moment I could hear my heartbeat, I'm sure the whole hotel could.

"I know you want it too" she whispered in my ear before she started to kiss my neck then my jawline. I didn't know what to do. I could have just stopped her but I didn't. I didn't know came into me but I didn't _want_ her to stop. I wanted to see how far she would go before she stopped herself. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. The second her lips connected with mine, I felt a jolt rush through my entire body. It felt like something had been brought back to life. She kissed me with so much passion, I never felt this before. It was … amazing. In that moment, I forgot who she was and who _I_ was. I wanted to feel the moment and nothing else. I didn't want to think about how wrong it was, I didn't want to think about the guilt. In that moment, I wasn't even feeling guilty for anything. We were in this together. She pulled away from the kiss and searched for my eyes. Her eyes were filled with so much love and lust, I never saw that look on anyone else's face. It had something special in it. I didn't know what my own eyes reflected, but it was enough to make her continue. She quickly unbuttoned my shirt and helped me get rid of it, and then she proceeded to take my bra off. I felt self conscious being exposed in front of her and she might have noticed it because our eyes locked and she kissed me tenderly before she stared to kiss my exposed skin, not letting an inch untouched. My eyes shut closed on their own accord.

"Please" I whispered in the air when her lips reached the waistband of my boyshort. She slid it down my thighs, kissing all the way down to my ankle then giving the same treatment to my other leg. She climbed back up and collided her lips on mine while her hand massaged my inner thighs. I moaned in her mouth when her fingers touched the wetness between my thighs. She started to circle my clit as she lowered her lips to my breast, taking one of my hard nipples between her teeth then kissing and sucking on it. My right hand found its way to her neck while I dug the nails of my left hand on her lower back. She entered me with one finger at first, slowly pumping in and out before I begged for more. "M-more, please" I moaned. She added another finger inside of me and I gasped as I felt the pleasure building. She kissed me with so much while she worked her fingers deep inside of me. My back arched and she fastened her pace, feeling that I was already close.

"Fuck! I'm goona-" I trailed off, my moans getting louder, I couldn't care less in anyone could hear me. I was experiencing something totally different, something totally new. It wasn't just sex. She was so tender with her movement, there was no rush. I bit down on her shoulder when I hit my release, muffling my screams on her skin. The waves rushed over me with so much force and it wouldn't stop. I came hard, pouring my juices onto her hand. My body shook and I threw my head back when another wave hit me. It felt so unreal. She slowed her pace to a stop and kept her fingers deep inside of me while I rode out my orgasm. My body was on fire and I couldn't stop it. Each wave a little bit more violent than the previous one. I couldn't control anything. Tegan kept kissing me everywhere until my body stopped shaking. I took deep breaths, trying to control my breathing. I opened my eyes when I felt her body leaving mine. She was between my legs, looking up at me. Our eyes locked for a few seconds before she started kissing my thighs, inching closer to my core. My body jerked when her tongue came in contact with my still sensitive clit. She kissed me there, licking me clean before coming back up again, her face inches from mine. Her eyes on mine, searching for something. That's when I realized what I had just done.

"I love you" she whispered before leaning in to kiss me. I turned my face away from hers and her lips crashed down on my cheek.

"I know … I'm sorry." I whispered back, now fully aware of everything. _You let your sister fucked you! Why did you do that?! Why did you enjoy that?! Fuck! Emy. I need to call Emy. _And with that, I drifted off. Exhaustion finally won me over.

When I woke up, I had my underwear and a t-shirt on. _I don't remember putting these on. _I was alone in the bed; Tegan was nowhere to be seen. I stretched out my muscles and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. I turned my head to the side and sighed when I read what was showing on the alarm clock. _1:37 pm. Fuck! _I got up to check in the bathroom just in case, but she wasn't in there. I brushed my teeth and allowed myself to look at my reflection in the mirror for the first time in a few days. I was a mess, and I looked like a mess.

I hopped in the shower, wanting to wash last night off. I let the water pour over me, trying to clear my mind. It didn't work. I ended up crying in the shower. I didn't understand what had happened. Why did I let her do that? _She's your fucking twin sister who's in love with you! _I didn't want her to see any sign in this. There wasn't any. I didn't know what came into me. It was probably the alcohol. _But you let her do it even though you knew what she was doing! And you enjoyed it! Fuck! _I turned the water off when it became cold and grabbed my towel. I wrapped it around my little frame and exited the bathroom. I jumped when I spotted Tegan sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Fuck! You scared me!" I exclaimed, placing a hand on my chest, over my broken heart.

"Sorry," she responded, looking me up and down and biting on her bottom lip. "Um, w-we're going to go eat if you want to join us …" she said, looking up into my eyes. Her eyes were sparkling; she didn't look tired or sad, in fact she looked fine, happy … for the first time since Glasgow. _Shit._

"Yeah, sure. Just let me get dressed" I answered as I started to look into my suitcase for an outfit for the day.

I got out of the bathroom, fully clothed this time, in a light blue button-up and dark skinny jeans. We exited the room in an awkward silence, it seemed like neither of us was willing to talk about last night. I was wrong. As soon as the door closed, Tegan turned to me, smiling a little bit, and ready to speak up. I started to get nervous; I didn't want to have this conversation. I didn't want to face the truth. I just wanted to ignore it happened at all … but I couldn't ignore _her_ for the rest of my life. I couldn't keep hurting her. She didn't deserved that.

"So, um …, how you're feeling? You were pretty drunk last night so I was just wondering …" she trailed off, looking down at her feet as we reached the elevator's door. I pushed the button, trying to earn some time. I needed to find something to say. Fast. Something she would buy without questioning me any further. My mind worked fast.

"Oh yeah? I don't really remember … but I'm fine. Thanks for asking" I said, trying to sound as convincing as possible.

"You don't remember last night?" she asked quickly, visibly annoyed. I hated lying to her, but I had to. It was for the best. I didn't want to have that conversation. I didn't want to remind me what happened, I remembered every fucking detail. I remembered falling asleep in her arms … and I wanted to forget it. I needed to find out what she was doing to me first. I wanted to know how she managed to control me like she did. _She fucking made me beg! _I didn't want it to happen again. But I definitely knew that whatever it was, it was special. I needed to understand what was happening to me. I wanted to be in control of my own life. I wanted to control my own emotions, but she was slowly trying to take control. And it wasn't successful. Not until last night, not until now. My mind and feelings were upside down.

"No." I lied as we stepped into the elevator.


	10. Chapter 10

_"Fuck" she moans when I enter her with my fake cock. I thrust hard and fast, the base of the phallus brings enough pressure to my clit to make me enjoy the moment as much as she does. Tegan brings my face closer to hers and kisses me deeply, moaning in my mouth. I start to get tired and slow down a bit. Tegan notices and flips us over. She rides me and I can't take my eyes off of her breasts. I cup them; massage them, feeling her hard nipples on my palm turn me on even more. She bounces faster on me and throws her head backwards as she rubs her clit. I bit down on my bottom lip, trying to contain my own moans. I feel the pressure building up. I'm teetering on the edge. "Shit! Sara, I'm gonna cum" she informs me in a low voice_

_"Cum with me Teegs" I respond as I grab her hips. I flip us over again and put one of her legs over my shoulder. I thrust faster, feeling my orgas-_

"Sara! Wake up" I heard a whisper and felt someone shake my body before my eyes opened wide. _What the fuck was that?!_ My breathing was fast and I was sweating. "You were making weird noises; I thought you were going to wake everyone! You're okay?" Tegan whispered in the darkness, kneeled in front of my bunk.

"Um, … yeah, I-I, I'm fine. It was um, a …, a nightmare" I lied through my teeth. Tegan laughed, throwing her head back. _Just like in the dream. It felt so real._ I squeezed my thighs together, feeling the wetness between them. _Are you fucking serious?! A wet dream about your own sister? Oh God …_

"It didn't sound like a nightmare" she chuckled lightly before standing up and heading towards the front of the bus. I felt my cheeks and ears burn from embarrassment. _Thank God we're in the dark!_ I took a moment to steady my breathing before standing up as well. I needed to freshen up a bit before going back to sleep. I opened the bathroom's door and closed it almost immediately at the sight of Tegan. She got out a few seconds later, enlightened by the bathroom's light.

"Sorry, I-I just need to use the bathroom" I mumbled as my eyes traveled up and down her body, lingering a bit on her bare legs.

"All yours" she said with raised eyebrows as I looked up at her. I blushed almost instantly and she walked away, chuckling. _Geez! What are you doing there Sara? You can't just stare at her like that! _Ever since that night in Munich, I caught myself staring at her exposed skin every time I had a chance to. I didn't even know why. But now, _she _caught me staring. _Just stop doing that already! _Also, ever since the night in Munich, everything seemed normal with Tegan. _How ironic, uh? _How could it be normal between us after what had happened? I didn't know. I just knew that it felt less awkward being around each other. I didn't feel the urge to run away and hide every time she would talk to me anymore. It just felt … right. The other day in Heidelberg, Germany, we even spent part of the afternoon together, just the two of us. And let me tell you this : it felt like it always did before. We had this natural connection back.

A few hours later, we were in Cologne, Germany, packing back up after the show. I felt nervous during the show, I couldn't focus on anything. Nobody seemed to notice even though I did a few mistakes, like hitting a G chord instead of a C. I didn't want to bring the attention on me so I let them pass.

Tegan was on my mind all the time. The night in Munich was on my mind all the time. The dream was on my mind all the time. I just wanted to forget it all. I headed back to the bus, not really wanting to help anyone.

"Hey," Tegan caught up with me and I sighed on the inside "You're okay? You seem a little bit … off" _I don't know how I feel, I can't stop thinking about you, I even dreamt about you and we were having sex. Oh wait! We did have sex already._

"Yeah, yeah, I'm just tired, it's all." I lied with a small smile. I guessed it was better than to be honest

"Liar," she said as we reached the bus "but it's okay if you don't want to talk about it yet" she said with a smile, holding the door open for me

"Talk about what?" I asked blatantly as I plopped down on the couch

"You know … everything" she answered leaning back against the wall across from me, arms crossed over her chest

"I don't see what's left to say about that" I said as I grabbed my phone from my back pocket. I just wanted to see if Emy had answered to one of my texts. No missed calls. No texts. Nothing. I sighed loudly and threw my Blackberry on the table. I've been trying to join her even since Munich. It's been four days. At first I thought that she was busy. I was just starting to understand that she was ignoring me. _Of course she would ignore you! What were you thinking about? Did you really think you could call her anytime and tell her how you let your sister fuck you, how you enjoyed it and how it confused you? _Emy was like a pillar in my life. Now that she was gone, I was falling apart. Nothing could hold me back.

"I really tried not to love you, you know?" Tegan said, absentmindedly staring in the void

"Tegan" I warned. I didn't like where it was going and I didn't want to go there. We were doing fine since now; I didn't want to ruin it. I didn't want to go back to when we couldn't stand in the same room together without ending up crying.

"I really tried Sara. I would do anything to turn this … love … into something else. Anything else, really. It's not easy for me either," she said, exhaling a long breath when her voice started to shake a little bit. I didn't want her to continue. It was uncomfortable for the both of us but I let her go on. I felt like I owned her this. "Every time you just … break my heart. And I can't do anything about it. And neither do you. And I just-" she trailed off, squeezing her eyes shut. I felt my chest tightening when I saw the first tears falling down her cheeks. I wanted to stand up and hug her but I didn't want to make anything worse. I just waited for her to regain her composure by herself as she wiped some of the tears. "I know you can't give me what I want and it's fucking hard," she said her fist tapping on her chest as the tears ran down freely "How do you think I feel about that? Being in love with the only person I can't have? My fucking sister!"

"Tegan, I-" she cut me off, holding a finger in the air to silence me

"Let me finish," she gave up on wiping her tears; they wouldn't stop falling down anyway "Sometimes I really wish you could love me back … but there are other times where I just want to hate you. Everything would be easier that way. But I-I-I … I just can't, Sara. I can't fucking hate you! And it breaks my heart each time you-" she trailed off, her voice turning into sobs as she lowered her head, hiding behind her hands. I didn't notice when I started crying, too. Maybe when she said she'd rather hate me than love. I wiped my tears away; she needed me to be the strong one there.

"I'm so sorry, Tegan," I said honestly as I stood up, inching closer to her. She looked so vulnerable like this; it was time for me to pick up the pieces. I broke her, I had to fix her. "Come here" I said as I wrapped my arms around her. I never was the hug type of person but this felt right. She held onto me for dear life, burying her face into my neck as I tried to soothe her. I needed to put my insecurities aside and focus on her. She needed me.

We arrived at the hotel in Copenhagen, Denmark, in the middle of the night. I hadn't really slept on the way over here. I had just laid in my bunk, Tegan's words echoing through my mind, keeping me awake. I didn't know if I could find sleep that night, even in a comfortable hotel bed. She really hit something deep inside of me. I knew I hurt her, but I didn't know I _kept_ hurting her. I didn't know what to do. I really wanted to help her but I couldn't give her what she wanted. Or could I? _Of course not, you asshole! She's your sister, you can't just date her! _I needed to do something, anything to soothe her pain. Could I do that without ending up even more messed up than what I was now? No. But I had to.

"Sara?" I heard Tegan whisper from across the room, where she was lying in her own bed

"Yeah?"

"C-c-can you h-hold me tonight? Please?" Without a word, I got out of the warmness of my bed and climbed into Tegan's. I got in behind her awkwardly. I didn't know what to do with my limbs before Tegan reached behind her, grabbed my hand and put it on her waist. "Thanks" she muttered. I tried to get comfortable but I couldn't focus on anything else than our bare legs touching. _I'm definitely not going to sleep tonight._ I tried to get back in my own bed when I heard Tegan's steady breathing but she wouldn't let go of my hand. I spent the night lying there, wide awake, listening to Tegan's breathing. At some point, she turned around in her sleep, facing me. I didn't budge even if our faces were inches apart. I didn't want to disturb her, she needed to rest. She had spent the evening and a part of the night crying in her bunk.

It was around ten pm when Tegan started to wake up. I was just staring at her, studying every inches of her face, noticing some details I hadn't before. Our legs were entangled together, my left hand on Tegan's waist while the other one rested underneath my pillow. Not a position you'd expect from two sisters in a bed. It was really weird, but even when the sun started to rise, I didn't feel the need to move. I found myself getting more comfortable as the hours passed. She looked so peaceful while she slept. I wondered what she dreamt about. Did she ever dream about me? Did she ever have a dream like I had? Her hair were falling down her partially enlightened face, covering her closed eyes. She looked so beautiful. _What the fuck, Sara? Really?!_ Instinctively, I reached up my hand but stopped abruptly mid-way when I realized what I was about to do and replaced my hand on her waist. It felt natural, like my hand belonged there. Soon, she was opening her eyes, a weak smile forming on her lips.

"Hi," she said as she locked her eyes on mine. Her voice cracked from the lack of use. It was almost sensual. _What did you just say?_ "How long have you been awake?" she asked her voice above a whisper. I started feeling self conscious about the night I just spent. It was kind of creepy

"Um,… since last night" I admitted in a low voice. Tegan chuckled lightly and her whole face lightened up

"Like what? You just stared at me while I slept?" she raised one of her eyebrows

"No, um, I-I-I couldn't sleep" I mumbled and she laughed a little bit

"It's okay, I'm just kidding" We held eye contact for a bit before her eyes started to travel back and forth between my lips and my eyes. I felt my heartbeat fastened at the thought of what was on her mind. Suddenly I realized that my hand was still resting on her waist and I started to remove it but she placed hers on top of mine. "Don't leave me" she said in a pleading tone. I felt like she didn't mean it like me leaving the bed. It meant much more than that. We didn't break the eye contact and it was becoming intense, almost unbearable. It made me feel nervous. In a flash, my lips were on hers. I didn't understand what had happened. One second, we were looking at each other and the other I was kissing her passionately. I pulled away almost instantly. I stared at her in shock, unable to move for a few seconds. As soon as I had processed my own action, I reacted

"I-I-I'm sorry, I don't know why-" I trailed off, starting to get out of the bed

"Sara," Tegan pleaded but it was too late, I was already locked in the bathroom. _Holy shit! What the fuck was that?!_ My breathing started to fasten while I tried to convince myself that it was because the lack of sleep that I had kissed her, my mind was playing tricks on me. I was just so tired I didn't know what I was doing. _Yeah, obviously. What else could it be?_ I was shocked by my own action but not … disgusted. Everything seemed so unreal. I brought my fingers to my lips before I realized that I was having a hard time breathing properly. _Fuck! Not again! _My lungs burned and started to wheeze and soon, Tegan was pounding on the door, telling me to "open the goddamn door". It felt like a déjà vu.

Seconds later after I opened the door, Tegan stormed in and pressed the cold plastic of my puffer to my lips. I inhaled deeply, gladly accepting the medication to my weak lungs.


	11. Chapter 11

Guys, I'm so sorry for the wait! Here's the next chapter but since I made you wait, it's more like two chapters in one. I'm lazy so I didn't reread it and I'd like to apologize in advance for the mistakes you might find.

Next chapter will be up sometimes next week, maybe sooner, it depends on you ;)

Enjoy & Please Review

* * *

_03.11.08_

"Sara, you can't just kiss me then pretend it didn't happen!" Tegan said as I put my shoes on, preparing to run away. She didn't tear her gaze away from me; her eyes glued to mine, forcing me to look down at my laces.

"I'm not pretending it didn't happen. I just don't want to think about it. That's it" I answered selfishly while I headed to the door

"That's it? Are you fucking kidding me?! What about me? What if _I_ want to think about it?" she asked angrily and I sighed loudly before turning around to face her. _Why did I do that again?_

"Tegan, please …" I said in a pleading tone as I looked into her eyes, feeling my walls slowly starting to fall apart. She looked so hurt, just the opposite of what she looked like while she slept. I couldn't let her be the victim of my own struggle. I made the few steps to my bed and let myself fall onto the cheap mattress. I had to stop hurting her. _I guess it's time to be honest._ I sighed loudly at the thought of it as I hid my face behind my hands, thinking of something to say. "I don't know why I kissed you Tegan … It's almost like I couldn't control myself anymore …" I looked up at her, searching for any sign of understanding. She didn't show any. She just stood there, arms crossed over her chest, waiting for me to continue. "I don't know what to tell you Tegan, really … I'm lost since-" I trailed off, suddenly realizing that I was about to betray myself by talking to much but it was too late.

"Since what, Sara?" Tegan asked, piercing holes in my skin with her hazel eyes

"Nothing, I just-"

"-you remember the night in Munich, don't you?" she asked sternly, sure of herself. I dropped my head and let out a long breath. _Fuck! _"You're such a fucking liar, Sara! Geez!" she raised her voice

"I know! I'm sorry, okay? I didn't want to talk about that!" I said in the same tone as hers. We stayed silent for a few minutes after that; neither of us knowing what to say. Tegan sat down on her bed, nervously biting her nails. I studied her every move, trying to read her; I couldn't tell if she was angry at me for lying to her or if she was just disappointed by my inability to be responsible of my actions. I wondered what she was thinking about. I asked myself if we could go through this, or what it would be like if I never found out about … this whole situation. I was nervous; I knew what was coming next. I'd had to face the truth. I knew I'd had to make her see right through me to make her understand. I needed to let the covers fall away and share my insecurities with her. It scared me; I was horrified because I didn't know what was hiding behind those walls I've built. I didn't know how I felt. Why did I kiss her? Why did I let her touch me in the most intimate ways? Why didn't I find it disgusting? Why did I _enjoy_ it? Did I want this?

"Well, … now you're going to talk about that …" she said barely audible as her pensive gaze was fixed on the ground. When I didn't say anything, she looked up at me, forcing the words out of my mouth

"I-I-I'm just lost Tegan, I don't know what to think anymore" I admitted in a low voice "The other night … I was drunk and I guess I-I wanted to f-feel what it was li-" she put a hand in the air, silencing me while she stood up

"And what did it feel like, Sara, uh? Because obviously, you enjoyed it!" she looked into my eyes, daring me to look away. I was taken aback by her reaction; I didn't expect her to be so blunt. It took me too long to answer for her liking and she kept digging deeper "So what? You don't know? You were just experimenting? What was that for you? Or maybe you just needed to get some?" she asked through clenched teeth, starting to lose her cool while I stayed agape. She massaged her temples, pacing back and forth in front of me and mumbling under her breath, making it impossible for me to understand a damn word. I didn't dare to interrupt her rambling tough. "Fuck you Sara, just fuck you!" she said louder, grabbing her coat before walking away while shaking her head. _What did I do wrong this time? _I chuckled lightly when I realized that she went out in her pajamas.

I laid down on the bed with heavy eyelids, facing the ceiling. _I'm a disaster_. _Of course I'd hurt her feelings by saying shitty things like that. What did I expect? I just admitted that I used her. Is that really what I did? Did I use her? Did I use my own sister for sex? Or did I use her to understand this new sense of emotions that I'm feeling? Either way, it didn't help. Oh fuck! What's wrong with me? I need more time to figure it out and she won't make it easy for me, she needs answers._

I woke up a couple of hours later with the sound of the door being slammed. I slowly sat up, growling as I looked over at the clock. _I barely slept two hours!_ I mentally scolded Tegan for being so noisy before turning my attention to her. "Hey" I said yawning. Remembering our little encounter from earlier, I wasn't surprised when she didn't respond and headed straight to her suitcase. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and they went wide when I realized Tegan was only wearing underwear, hair dripping into the thin material of her bra and skin sparkling from the droplets covering her bare flesh. She bent over bag, giving me a full view of her perfectly round bum then turned her head in my direction, smirking when she caught me staring. I quickly looked away, blushing.

"See?" She asked, throwing different pieces of clothing on her bed. I looked up starting from her ankles and up to her bare legs, her thighs, her flat stomach, and my eyes lingering a bit on her cleavage before landing on the stupid gummy smile plastered on her face. _God! What are you doing to me?!_

"See what?" I finally asked

"You claim you don't want this," she said, motioning to her body "but every time you have the opportunity to, you check me out" she said obviously feeling victorious. I just wanted to rip that smirk off of her face as she plopped down on her bed, not judging necessary to put her clothes on.

"I-I-I'm just surprised, that's it. Nothing more" I lied, ignoring the tingling between my legs "I just woke up and you're walking around half naked … you're not going to put your clothes on?"

"No," she breathed a sigh "not until you'll admit that I'm turning you on" _Am I that obvious?_

"It would be a lie" I said firmly, focusing on keeping my eyes on hers and not anywhere else on her body. She stood up and stopped in front of me. I gulped loudly, nervousness taking over I mumbled over my words "W-w-what are you d-doing?"

"I'm proving you wrong" she said in a seductive tone as she sat down on my lap. My mind screamed at me to push her off, that it was wrong and my body begged me to flip us over on the bed and take her right here. I didn't have the time to think or even react before she pushed me down by my shoulders and straddled my waist. My breathing came out ragged as she hurried to shove her hand into my pants. My hips bucked involuntary as her fingers found the wetness between my folds. She hovered over me, her lips brushing against my earlobe and her breath hitting my skin as she whispered in my ear "You're as sick as me, Sar" she bit down on my earlobe as she removed herself from me. I couldn't do anything but stare in disbelief when Tegan did as she promised. Fully clothed, she turned to me "Stop lying to yourself, you're not fooling anyone."

Ashamed of myself for being caught so easily, I did what I did the best; I ran away.

_03.12.08_

"Hey Shaun, have you seen Tegan?" I asked as I opened the dressing room's door, taking a quick look around. He looked up from his book, shaking his head

"I think she went in the coffee shop across the street" he informed me, shrugging his shoulders before diving back in the novel between his hands. I quietly thanked him then hurried outside, while I still had some courage left. I spotted Tegan in the line through the window and took a deep breath before opening the door. _You can do it._

"Can I talk to you?" I asked quietly while grabbing her by the arm. Tegan jumped at the sound of me voice

"Jesus Sara! I almost had a heart attack!" she exclaimed as I started to drag her towards the bathroom. Once inside, I checked the stalls to make sure we were alone while Tegan eyed me as if I was a freak.

"Okay," I sighed "what you did yesterday was not okay and I wan-" she cut me off before I could get to the point

"What you did during the last few months was not okay." She stated, crossing her arms over her chest. I lowered my gaze to my feet, my bravery fading away as Tegan continued "I don't want to be your doll anymore, I did it long enough! I don't want to be hurt any more …" she trailed off, starting to get emotional "You can't use me for sex whenever you want just because you can't put a finger on whatever it is that you're feeling"

"It might help" I mumbled under my breath, the words slipping out of my mouth before my brain could acknowledge them. I looked up, seeing Tegan shook her head in disbelief.

"You fucking unbelievable, Sara!" she said angrily before storming out of the bathroom. _Fucking great!_ I leaned against the sink and put my head in my hands thinking about what had just happened. _Did I just ask my sister to have sex with me to help me figure out what is going on in my mind? Am I that crazy?_

I sat down at a table in the corner and ordered a coffee, trying to collect my thoughts before heading back to the venue. I looked through the window as people passed by, nostalgia hitting me like a truck. I envied the time when I was obnoxious of everything happening around me. I wanted to run away from my life, from the disaster I'd created. I used to enjoy every second of each day, now I was just wondering when it would end, hoping the next one would be a better one. Could it possibly get better in the near future? Would I ever stop falling? A weak smile formed its way to my lips when Tegan's lyrics crossed my mind. _You won't get better til you get worse_. The voice of the waitress tore me away from my daydreaming. I thanked her for the coffee and looked out the window, noticing it had started raining. I sighed and took a sip from my coffee, letting the hot liquid burning down my throat. _I'm already at the lowest point, how could it be even worse?_

I made my way back to the venue, enjoying the rain pouring down on me. I fastened my pace when I spotted a group of girls, doubtless attending tonight's show; I wasn't in the mood to be hypocrite and put on a fake smile. _That's what you do every night since you know how disturbed your mind is. _I entered the dressing room; Tegan briefly looked up at me from her laptop before I sat down next to our tour manager. The room was silent, awkwardly quiet. Sensing the tension between the two of us, he left without a word, leaving us alone. I suppressed the urge to follow his wherever he was going and I anxiously waited, knowing _something_ was about to happen. Minutes of silence later, Tegan shut her laptop close and placed it next to her on the couch.

"Mom called when you were out"

"Okay" I replied as I shifted uncomfortably under her gaze. Eventually our eyes locked and I forgot how to breathe; there was something so intense about her look, it was impossible to look away. It felt like she was controlling me. Our eyes were connected and like a magnet, she drew me to her and I found myself trapped between her claws. She could have delivered me, look away but she kept digging right into my soul, forcing my walls to crash down. Everything around me became blurry, my vision was tunneled; I could only see her. I shivered when I saw her biting down on her bottom lip. "Come here" I heard myself say from far away; my own voice sounded unfamiliar to my ears. My heart skipped a beat when she followed my command and got up from the couch; she locked the door with a mischievous smirk. No words were exchanged when I reached my hand out to her and guided her to my lap where I kept her in place by grabbing her hips without thinking; I was only spectator of my own actions. We didn't break the eye contact when she traced the shape of my lips with her thumb; she had me in the palm of her hand. She set me free from her gaze when she pressed her lips against mine; all the control I had lost came rushing back to me.

I had the choice now. I could run away and pretend it didn't happen; I could convince myself that I hadn't felt that shock jolt my entire system. I could go on with my misery and try to be rational, push all these feelings and questions down. Or I could be bad and explore them, jump in the mystery with closed eyes; take the way that included no turning back; I could cross the line being totally sober, knowing very well that I would have to bear with the consequence afterwards. _It's already too late to stop now, right?_

I pressed her hips against mine and allowed her to deepen the kiss as I parted my lips. She wrapped her arms around my neck and tangled her hand in my hair while our tongues worked together. I rhythmically started to buck my hips into her, getting wetter by the second as she unbuttoned my shirt, exposing my chest. I grabbed her waist and flipped us over in a quick motion before reattaching our lips together. She moaned in my mouth while I cupped her mound, feeling the heat radiating from between her legs on my hand while holding me up with the other. I pulled away from the kiss to take her t-shirt and bra off; my eyes lingered on her breasts for a moment before I allowed myself to move again. I gently bit down on one of her nipples before soothing the pain away with my tongue; I licked and sucked on it before giving the other one the same treatment while Tegan expressed her pleasure, her moans sounded like a melody in my ears. I kissed down to her stomach, feeling her muscles tighten against my lips as I quickly unzipped her pants, willing to get rid of any barrier of clothing. Soon enough, she was squirming completely naked underneath me as my fingers wandered in the wetness between her thighs and my mouth worked on her neck, surely leaving marks she would have to hide before tonight's shows. I moaned loudly when I entered her with two digits and she threw her head back, exposing her neck even more. "Fuck, you're so tight" I whispered breathlessly in her ear before pulling away to look at her face. She grabbed my ass and pressed my body harder against hers. "Look at me while I fuck you, Tegan" I ordered in a raspy voice. She obeyed and struggled to keep her eyes open as my pace fastened. I thrusted hard and fast, feeling her walls clenched around my fingers and her moans got louder as she teetered on the edge. I rubbed her clit with my thumb and she squeezed her eyes shut

"Shit! Sara, I'm gonna cum" she said as her nails pierced the skin on my back through my shirt

"Look at me!" she opened her eyes at my request and her back arched underneath me as I felt her cum flow all around my hand and onto the couch. She bit down on her bottom lip to muffle her moans and I kept my fingers inside of her pulsating walls while she rode her orgasm out, her body shaking a little bit. I watched her enjoy her high and I could feel her clench around my fingers every time another wave hit her. She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me close to her while she caught her breath. When she recovered, she started kissing my neck and I slowly removed my fingers from her inside. She whimpered at the loss and took my shirt off, she reached behind me to undo my bra but I quickly grabbed her wrist and shoved her hand into my pants, silently asking what I wanted. She took the hint and started to rub my clit; I knew I wasn't going to last long. I held myself up with both hands and bucked my hips against her hand. "Just give it to me, Tegan" I pleaded before she filled me up with two fingers; a guttural moan escaped my lips and I thrusted harder against her hand. I was already close and she thrusted deeper, which was enough to send me over the edge. I muffled my moans against her neck while I poured onto her hand and enjoyed my bliss. She pulled her fingers out and kissed my neck. I started to pull away when I caught my breath and looked into her eyes; a smile formed its way to her lips and she placed a peck on mine.

"I love you" she whispered before leaning in for a passionate kiss. _Fuck._

"I know … I'm sorry" I whispered back when I pulled away. A pang of guilt hit me in the gut as I looked into her eyes, seeing them tearing up a bit. I leaned in and kissed her lips tenderly as a poor attempt to apologize.


	12. Chapter 12

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_03.17.08 – Berlin _

I breathed out a sigh as I looked out the window; I could see people running around, trying to escape the rain pouring relentlessly on the city while I was trying to escape my train of thoughts.

"How do you like Berlin so far?" Tegan asked from behind me as I put my t-shirt back on; I turned around and eyed her up and down. She was lying naked on the hotel bed, looking at me lovingly with a sparkle in her eyes even though she knew what was coming. She watched me slide my pants up my thighs with a smile on her lips and chuckled lightly when I headed towards the bathroom without a word.

It had became a routine since Copenhagen; we would fuck each other every time we had a chance to then I would ignore her for a couple of hours but she would let it pass because she knew I would come back to her anyway. And I couldn't help but come back; I would feel the need to touch her and to take anything from her that I could. I knew when I started it that there would be no turning back. I didn't have a choice anymore, I couldn't help myself; she had a strong hold on me and I was being pulled to her, like a magnet. There was nothing I could do while she patiently waited for me to fall for her; I couldn't run away this time but I refused to jump in this kind of disaster. There was nothing good that could possibly come out of a romantic relationship between twin sister. I would have to fight against it as long as we would keep fucking each other mindlessly. I didn't know how long I could last though, and I couldn't see any finish line. I was falling apart while trying to not fall for her.

I locked myself in the bathroom and focused on my breathing, I was breaking down and there was no way I could stop it, she was directing me. I stayed in the cold tiled room, listening the rustling on the other side of the door as I waited for Tegan to get the hint and leave the room. She always did it the others time and I thought that today would be no different. She prove me wrong, this time she stuck around. The anxiety settled in; I wasn't ready to acknowledge our sexual encounters out loud, I didn't want to, it would be a step in her direction. And I promised myself I wouldn't go anywhere near there; I wouldn't let her have the best of me. We didn't talk about it since Copenhagen and Tegan let me pretend nothing ever happened, she let me try to convince myself that I had a normal life even though she knew it wouldn't change the facts. Maybe she had understood that I wouldn't break the ice.

I was startled by the sound of Tegan's voice, I tried to block her out but her voice echoed in my mind. "Sara, when you'd done doing nothing in there, I'd like to use the bathroom if you don't mind!" I gathered myself up from the floor and took a deep breath before unlocking the door. _It's okay, you can do it. Only a couple of days left before the break, you can do it._ I mustered enough courage to open the door; putting on a straight face in spite of the fact that my nerves were ready to explode, I stepped out of the room.

"You could have put some fucking clothes on!" I said angrily as I looked away her from bare body. _You could have at least erased the evidence of the night and morning we had just spent!_

"I like to spend my time in the nude," she said from across the room, chuckling "plus, it didn't seem to bother you while you were knuckle deep inside of me" Images of my sister squirming underneath me flashed through my mind

"Just shut the fuck up already, Tegan!" I almost yelled at her. I wasn't ready for this talk to happen yet

"Hey! Calm the fuck down and stop being a bitch about that already!" she responded in the same tone before slamming the bathroom's door. I saw my opportunity to run away from the conflict while she took her shower.

A few hours later, we were all –only band members– sitting in the dressing room during our quiet time before the show. For me, there was nothing relaxing about it; I could feel myself tensing up as the minutes passed, and it had nothing to do about the show. Tegan was the source of it all; she kept sending me _looks_ that were breathtaking and biting her lip at me when nobody was looking. At some point I had wished that everybody could leave us alone so I could take her right there; I knew we wouldn't have any other alone time before the show. _Fuck! Why am I even thinking about that?_

Ready to rock the stage, I blocked everyone out and tried to suppress the disturbing tangling between my legs. I readjusted my ear buds and waited for the signal to hit the stage. I could see Tegan staring at me from the corner of my eyes and I pushed back the urge to look at her. _It would only make it worse._ The music intro ended and we walked onto the stage, earning loud cheering and shouting from the wild audience. I waved awkwardly at them and grabbed my Gretsch guitar from the guitar tech. I had a knot in my stomach as I watched Tegan stepped up the microphone. The way she moved, glancing over me with a mischievous smile in the corner of her lips, the way her eyes pierced right into my soul … Something was off. Her body language told me that she had something in mind, but I couldn't quiet put a finger on it. "Hello everyone! We're Tegan and Sara and we're excited to be here" She jumped into _Dark Come Soon_ as soon as the audience brought the screaming down.

The nervousness had faded away; I was slowly starting to get comfortable in front of the sea of people. We didn't mess up yet, which was good considering we were almost at the end of the show. I looked down at my setlist and turned around to signal the band that I was ready to go; but Tegan wasn't apparently, and the nervousness hit a peak, making my stomach twist in anticipation. _Oh boy, I hate her already!_

"Last night Sara and I shared a room and um," _we fucked _I thought as she started, smoothing her hair to the side and twisting something on her microphone stand; something she did frequently while talking to the loudly audience, who seemed _so_ thrilled by the idea of us sharing a hotel room. _What's the big deal? We're sisters, dumba- okay yeah … _The audience kept screaming their enthusiast before Tegan shushed them "Okay, okay … It's not that I wanted to, but we have to cuz we don't have the budget and um," _Liar. _Her laugh echoed through the speakers while everybody in the audience cheered, encouraging her to elaborate. "Anyway, at some point I was in the shower and Sar-"

"Tegan," I tried to protest, sending her a disapproval look while shaking my head which caused her to grin like a maniac. I turned to the audience, still shaking my head "That's inappropriate. You don't want to hear that story" I said, uncomfortably quibbling on my guitar. I could feel my cheeks and ears burned from embarrassment and I took a step back, hoping that the shadows would hide my tomato red face. _You don't want to know how I hopped into her shower and fucked her relentlessly, and then I did it again once we were in the bed … and I want to do it now- Shit! I just want to get her out of my mind but I just can't! There's something so addictive about her … and it makes me feel so fucking sick every time I touch her, but I can't help it. I don't know how to stop._

"Sara's like that you know," she addressed to the audience "like, she'd do something then pretend it didn't happen" _What the fuck? Is she really going to talk about that in front of thousands of people analyzing everything she says?!_ "She'll never admit she loves me but it's fine because I know she does. She's a coward" she laughed before taking a step back; I froze in my spot, forgot how to breathe while the audience was literally screaming out. Eventually I came back to my sense fast enough, remembering where I was. I stare at her in disbelief, still shocked before jumping in the song a little bit too late.

When we walked off the stage, I was upset and I only had one thing in my mind; make Tegan pay for being such a bitch on stage. But the anger slowly started to fade away as Tegan sent me flirtatious smile while we were chilling out around a few beers in the dressing room. I was sitting across from her, watching her intensely as the alcohol began to spread into my system. I was probably the only human being who knew her like I did and yet she found a way to be intriguing for me. They way here eyes connected to mine so easily awakened my curiosity; I wanted to know what _it_ was. Perhaps there were some little tiny details I wasn't aware of; I wanted to know them all, I wanted to be able to read her like an open book and pierce every mystery she might hide. I wanted every part of her. I _needed_ it, but I didn't know how to do it without exposing myself. She was becoming my obsession and yet I couldn't stop myself from running away from her.

Perhaps it was the alcohol, perhaps it was because of Tegan; I couldn't quiet decide yet what made me feel the need to puke. I found myself bent over the toilet, knuckles turning white from the death grip I had on the seat, and dry heaving for a couple of minutes. I rinsed my mouth and locked myself inside of the bathroom afterwards; it was comforting in a weird way. Bathrooms, as dirty as they could be, had become my sanctuary in the past couple of days; it was my safe place when I was hiding from Tegan after we'd get _too_ close. Sometimes I would feel sick to my stomach afterwards but I didn't know if I was disgusted by myself or by my sister. She wouldn't even have the slightest bit of remorse whereas I would be ashamed. I would spend countless hours under the steam of the hot water to wash the dirtiness off. And yet … I would come back to her anyway. She was like a unique, indeterminate charge and I was the lonely, curious electron attracted by her against my will, to be all of a sudden, pushed back with equal force.

…

"Hi honey! How you're doing?" my heard my mom chuckled on the other line

"Hey mom! I'm fine; we're actually ready to take the road again. How are you?" I responded before lying down in my bunk with a sigh

"I'm good, thank you. So, … how is it going?" she asked, a bit hesitant

"It's fine, the shows have been great so far. I think we're heading to Brussels now … but I'm looking forward to the break" I smiled at the thought of having almost a whole month off

"That's not what I meant, Sara … I talked to Tegan," My heart stopped in my chest, I felt like fainting, I held my breath. I panicked "Sara, you're still there?" I needed a few seconds to compose myself before answering

"W-what? Uh, yeah … s-sorry … What do you mean you talked to Tegan? What did she say?" I asked, trying to keep my voice calm while my nerves were literally imploding

"She told me about Emy … why didn't you tell me, Sara? I'm so sor-" I felt myself relax but cut her off, I wasn't ready to talk about that with my mother. She would ask me why Emy left and I would have to lie

"-it's fine mom, I mean …I don't want to talk about that" I admitted in a low voice. The wounds were still too fresh. She sounded hurt but didn't insist; she told me about the last gossip on our band instead, she invited me over during our break but I politely refused. I completely tuned her out at some point; the mention of Emy killed my mood. Somehow she must have noticed because she didn't drag the conversation like she used to and quickly set me free.

A few minutes later, Tegan opened my bunk's curtain without announcing

"We're gonna watch a movie, wanna come?" She asked as if her intrusion in my privacy wasn't a big deal

"Yeah, … I'm coming" I answered with an exasperated sigh

"Hurry up" she said before walking off, leaving the curtain opened. I ignored her request and took my time to change into my pajamas before joining everyone. Ted hit the play button on the remote as soon as I sat down. I just wanted to go back into the sanctuary of my bunk, I felt depressed. I was trying so hard not to think about Emy and my mom destroyed all of my efforts in a matter of seconds. I couldn't focus on the movie playing on the screen, I kept glancing around until I found a way to kill the time; Tegan. I watched her for a long time clutching a pillow to her chest, using it to block her view from what was supposed to be an horror movie every once in a while. I couldn't stop the smile forming on my lips every time she would slightly jump in fear. _She's adorable, I wouldn't mind being the pil- come on, Sara, you can't be serious! That's ridiculous._ I quickly trailed my gaze away from her and my eyes landed on Al who was asleep next to Johnny, mouth agape. My eyes traveled back and forth between my dearest friends; everyone seemed tired and it wasn't long before they all started to dismiss the movie for a few hours of sleep. One by one, they retired to their bunk. Shaun and Ted waited until the end of the movie before retiring, leaving me alone. I turned the TV off and waited in the darkness. I didn't know what I was waiting for but I knew that there will be no point in getting into my own bunk right now; my mind was too preoccupied to allow me to rest.

I glanced outside when the bus stop moving. _Pit stop_ I thought to myself when I spotted the gas station. I didn't know where we were, still in Germany, or maybe we were already in Belgium, it wasn't a long ride … and it didn't really matter to me. I grabbed my coat and headed outside in my pajama pants, the cold breeze cooling me down instantly. Not willing to be left alone in the middle of a foreign country's freeway, I let our driver know that I was going to take a look inside the small shop before pushing the door open. It was almost empty, except for the few men talking loudly in front of the coffee dispenser; I reluctantly joined them and waited anxiously for my coffee. I could feel their eyes on me as I uncomfortably shifted my weight from one foot to another. _Why am I even doing this?! There's coffee on the bus! _Eventually I stepped away from them, coffee in hand and aimlessly walked around the aisles; I was looking through the books and magazines when someone bumped into me, spilling the burning coffee everywhere including on me. I ignored their apology and headed towards the bathroom. I angrily washed the coffee from my coat, swearing under my breath and my ears perked up. _Holy shit!_ I heard whispers and moans … women voices. I could clearly listen to them fuck in the stall; they were obviously obnoxious to my presence. _Fuck! It sounds hot! _Eventually I felt like a stalker and raced back to the bus, ignoring the tingling between my legs as long as I could.

Without really knowing it, I found myself opening a curtain's bunk when the bus started moving again. It wasn't even mine. I watched Tegan sleep before crawling behind her and closing the curtain. I pressed my body against hers and reached my hand to her front, placing it on her flat stomach under her t-shirt. I kissed her neck a few times before she started to wake up

"Sar, what are you doing?" she asked in a whisper while rubbing the sleep from her eyes

"I need you" I mumbled on her skin as I started to grind my hips against her ass. She groaned into her pillow before rolling on her back. I attached my lips to hers; I caressed her skin under her clothe and slowly reached her breasts. She pulled away from the kiss and put a hand over mine, stopping my movements.

"I'm fucking sleeping, Sara" she stated before shoving my hand away

"Come on, you're not anymore" I insisted and climbed half on top of her. "I want you so bad right now" I admitted in a husky voice before attacking her neck with my lips. My hand found its way to her inner thigh and she grabbed my wrist roughly

"I said no!" she said firmly, I tried to look at her through the darkness, trying to see how serious she was. "I'm tired and I'm not in the mood. You're just pissing me off right now so get off of me and go fuck yourself" I was taken aback by her reaction; I felt rejected. It was the first time she was saying no. _Well, the first time since the_ _very first one ... Since the rape._ I quickly pushed that thought away and started to feel angry … but I was still horny.

"Come on, don't be a bitch about it; we can make it quick" I said trying to keep my voice low

"Fuck you" I knew she wasn't meaning it like _that_, but I listened to her. I was still half on top of her when I shoved my hand into my own pants and underwear; I was so fucking wet. "Are you ser-" I pressed my index finger against her lips to silence her and rubbed my clit with my other hand. I buried my face in the crook of her neck and heard her sigh exasperatedly. I pushed two fingers inside of me and bucked my hips against my own hand. I muffled my moans against her skin before pressing my lips to hers. She turned her head away from mine and my breathing came out ragged in her ear. It wasn't long before I hit my release. I came hard and quick but it wasn't what I wanted. This orgasm wasn't as satisfying as I wanted it to be.

"You're happy now?" Tegan asked, visibly annoyed, while I was catching my breath

"No." was my short answer before I got out of her bunk without much of a second glance. I made a quick stop to the bathroom before retiring into my bunk. I laid on my back, eyes wide open, analyzing what had just happen. The fact that I had just fucked myself on top of my twin sister or even the fact that I went to see _her_ to get off wasn't exactly what caught my attention. Even if I would probably be disgusted by myself in the morning and that it would take me a few hours to be able to look at her in the eyes again, it wasn't what was shocking me. Not yet. I pushed theses thoughts in the back of my head and tried to concentrate on the problem at hand. It was disturbing me, deeply; I even found it irritating. She said no. _Why the fuck_ _did she say no? What's wrong with her? It's not like it was the first time! Who the fuck does she think she is? She can't just make me feel like that then say no. It's not like I had a choice anyway! She made me feel like this, it's her fault I'm addicted to her touch! She can't just say no whenever she feels like it! Fuck!_

Unfortunately that night the sleep wouldn't come. I laid awake in the night; I kept turning around in my bunk, trying to convince myself that the lack of comfort was the source of my insomnia. Deep inside, I knew it wasn't. _She said no._


	13. Chapter 13

Edited by **HesOnlyRadical.**

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_ 03.18.08 – Brussels _

Our faces were inches apart but she wouldn't look at me, she kept avoiding my eyes. I wasn't asking for much, I just needed her to acknowledge me. "Come on Tee, just look at me." I begged as I kissed her neck; my heart skipped a beat the second I felt her skin under my lips.

"Why would I do that, Sara? You ignored me all day!" She tried to push me away but I had a firm hold on her hips; she was sitting on the table and I was between her legs, craving her touch. She wasn't really trying hard to push me away and it set me on fire; it felt like she wanted to play with me.

"I wasn't ignoring you! I was just…lost in my thoughts." I half lied which made her smile as she shook her head. _Ugh! That smile…_I kissed her cheek, slowly reaching the corner of her lips as I pushed her hips closer to mine, forcing the contact. She put a hand on my chest to stop me and looked at me. _Finally! _For a short amount of time, I thought that she would let me have it my way. By the look on her face, I quickly understood that I was wrong.

"No." She stated firmly as her eyes were fixed on mine. I froze, that wasn't that icy look that I was looking for. I was ready to argue but there was a knock on the door and I was forced to put space between us; what if someone caught us in a compromising position like this? Can you imagine the mess it would cause? _Fuck!_

"Girls, soundcheck in five!" Our tour manager informed us. In that moment, I hated him. I hated him for interrupting us. I hated everyone around us for being _around_ all the fucking time. I just wanted a few minutes alone with Tegan! Was that too much that I was asking for? And most of all, I hated _her_ for saying no two times in a row.

"Too bad." She said in a sarcastic tone as she jumped off the table and exited the dressing room with a stupid smile plastered on her face. I felt a lump forming in my throat as I watched her leave and my teeth clenched on their own accord.

When I got on stage, everyone was ready and waiting for me while testing their instruments. I grabbed my guitar and strummed it a few times to check if it was on tune. It wasn't. _Why on earth do we fucking pay a guitar tech if he cannot do his fucking job properly?! _I started tuning it but I was distracted by Shaun's bass.

"Hey, hey," I started as I pinned around, "can you quit it for a second, I'm trying to tune my guitar here!" I looked at him in disbelief and he stared right back at me, looking surprised. _Why is he looking at me like that, it's not like I fucking asked him to do the impossible! Geez…why is everyone trying to piss me off?_

We started playing _I Bet It Stung_ but something sounded wrong when we hit the chorus. "Sara, I think you played the wrong note. When you sing the _Go away_ part, you have to go up to the third fret." Ted informed me from behind.

"Yeah, you know what?" I turned around angrily, "I wrote the motherfucking song, I know how to fucking play it!"

"No, obviously, you don't." Tegan chuckled in her microphone.

"Just … fuck you! All of you!" I said as I tossed my guitar on its stand then walked off the stage.

"Sara, we don't have time for your bullshit." Tegan's voice echoed through the speaker. I ignored her. I ignored them all. I needed air, I needed a break.

…

_Why are you ignoring me?_ I selected Emy in my contact list and pressed the send button before tossing my phone on the table in front of me. I spaced out, staring blankly at the landscape through the window as I rested my head in my palm. It was dark outside, I couldn't see anything much but then we reached France, I couldn't see anything at all, only my reflection on the window. _How stupid it is to have no lights on the freeway?_ I sighed loudly and looked around; Johnny, Chris and Tegan were still up watching a movie. _I'm just going to wait until they go to sleep then I could have Tegan alone…_

My phone buzzed and I quickly reached for it, hoping it was Emy. I opened the text message and slammed my phone back on the table, it wasn't Emy. _I already know I'm in France, I don't need a hundreds messages to fucking remind me!_ I put my head in my hands and groaned loudly in frustration. Eventually, the film ended and they started to get ready for sleep.

"Tegan, can I talk to you?" I gave her a _you know what I mean_ look and I saw her roll her eyes.

"I'm tired Sara, we can talk in the morning if you want." She said as she gathered her stuff.

"No, I'm serious. I need to talk to you now!" She looked around, Johnny and Chris were still near enough to hear us. She smiled lightly before giving me her answer.

"Goodnight Sara." She disappeared in the bunk area before I had a chance to object. I sat still with a lump in my throat; she was playing with my nerves.

_03.19.08 – Paris_

I took a sip from my coffee, hoping it would settle my nerves. Everyone was talking loudly and laughing around me, I just wanted them all to shut the fuck up. I stood up abruptly, everyone looked at me except for Tegan; the only one I wanted attention from. "Tegan." I said firmly, she looked up from her cereal bowl

"What?" She answered, her mouth full. I motioned for her to follow me and she reluctantly did. I dragged her to the very back of the bus, trying to get some privacy.

"What's wrong with you?!" I asked in a whisper. I was already starting to feel angry when she looked at me dumbfounded.

"What do you mean?" She asked surprised. She leaned against the wall and waited for me to elaborate.

"Don't play dumb with me! You know exactly what I mean!" I said through clenched teeth. She folded her arms over her chest but said nothing as she raised her eyebrows. I eyed her up and down before continuing "Why do you act like this? You can't just push me away forever!"

"Oh okay." She laughed and my eyes grew wide. _Does she really think I'm joking right now? _"That's what you're talking about! Well, first of all; I owe you nothing. And then if you really think this is how you're gonna get in my pants you're wrong." She started to walk away but I grabbed her arm and forcefully turn her around. "What are you gonna do, uh? Force me to do it? Again?" She asked furiously.

"You can't just say no whenever you feel like it!" I said as I tried to keep my volume low.

"Try me." She challenged me through clenched teeth before shoving me away. I kicked the door as soon as she slammed it shut. Then I did it again until I collapsed on the floor.

I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

_03.20.08 – Amsterdam_

"This will be our last song. You guys have been great! Thank you so much!" Tegan said in her microphone with a big smile on her face and the crowd exploded. It amazed me how she could act as if everything was fine when obviously it wasn't. She hadn't spoken to me all day and she refused to stay alone in the same room as me. She just ignored me. Not once had she looked at me before the show. Then on stage, something switched and I was her best friend again. _I guess this is what they call professionalism. _"We couldn't have hoped better for our last night in Europe this year." The audience erupted in cheers again and we waited until the screaming died down a bit before starting the song. I wasn't really looking forward to the end of the European tour anymore; it meant time away from _her_ and I didn't know how I would handle this. A single day was awful as hell, I couldn't even imagine what it would be like to be apart for a whole month. _Well, three weeks to be exact since we planned rehearsal a week before the beginning of the tour. Am I really counting days? Geez…_

When we got off stage, things were back to "normal" again; Tegan acted as if I didn't even exist. It would only be a matter of hours until we'd split and go our separate ways and I was becoming more nervous as the minutes passed. I sipped on my beer, trying to chill out a bit with the rest of the group but even the alcohol couldn't settle my nerves.

Soon enough, we were in a crowded bar. Everyone at our table was cracking jokes and getting drunk but I couldn't seem to relax. I couldn't tear away my eyes from Tegan, I needed her and the alcohol made it worse; it was almost unbearable and she wouldn't acknowledge me. I blocked everyone out; I was only focused on her, I could only see her and I wanted to feel her so bad. I needed it.

Ted stood up to get more drinks and I took this opportunity to scoot closer to Tegan. She briefly looked over at me and sighed before resuming her conversation with the guys. She couldn't run away this time and I was willing to take advantage of it. I sipped on my Scotch, looking around to see if anyone was paying attention as I pressed my thighs against Tegan's. I bit down on my bottom lip as I felt the throbbing between my legs intensify. Slowly, I slid my hand under the table and continued to sip on my drink as I felt my heartbeat fasten. I placed my hand on her thigh, unmoving at first. She jumped slightly but didn't shove it away. I took it as a sign to go further and gradually moved my hand up her thigh; I looked at her reaction out of the corner of my eyes when I reached her middle but she didn't show any sign of pleasure or disapproval. I looked around; all of my friends were oblivious of what was happening under their nose which encouraged me to be more confident with my movements. I started to rub her and even through the fabric of her jeans, I could feel the warm radiating from her core. At some point, she tried to stop me but I grabbed her wrist and guided her hand to the wetness between my legs; I kept her hand in place and slightly bucked my hips against her hand. Abruptly she stood up and I had to let go of her wrist. _Shit! You can't stop now!_

"I have to pee." She exclaimed over the loud music before starting to head towards the restrooms. I didn't think, I followed suit. I stood up quickly and followed her through the crowd of people while trying to keep my balance. _I guess I'm drunker than what I had expected._

I guessed she didn't see me follow her because she looked surprised when I entered the stall before she had a chance to lock the door. "W-what are y-" I cut her off with my lips and backed her off against the wall in the small stall. She pushed me away forcefully by the shoulders and I hit the opposite wall with a thud. If she wanted it rough, I wasn't going to oppose to that. "Just get out already, I really have to pee!" Or maybe she didn't want it at all.

I wasn't ready to give up yet. I pressed my body against hers and kissed her neck "We're gonna be apart three weeks after tonight, you can't leave me like that." I mumble against her skin.

"No means no. Now get out." The ice in her voice sent shivers down my spine. I drunkenly took a small step back and locked my eyes on hers.

"I fucking need it, you can't just say no!" I almost yelled as I started to get frustrated. I didn't want anybody to overhear us but she wasn't making it easy for me to stay calm.

"And I fucking need you to stop using me for sex! If you need to get off, there's a bunch of girls out there willing to give you what you want!" She spoke in a low voice but it was obvious that she was starting to get angry as well. I looked at her in disbelief; just the thought of somebody else touching me the way I wanted her to touch me was repulsive.

"It's not the same…and I'm not using you, I just need it!" I wasn't totally lying, I really needed it.

"Whatever." She pushed past me and slammed the door behind her. I stood still, shocked. I felt a knot in my stomach at the thought of spending three weeks in the same state as the last three days. My throat started to burn and I felt it tighten and in a second I was kneeling in front of the toilet emptying my intoxicated stomach. _Am I really sick because of Tegan? Or is it because of the alcohol? Or maybe both? _My knuckled turned white from the death grip I had on the toilet seat as I threw up. Every time I thought I was done, I was hit by another wave of nausea. I ended up almost lying next to the seat which wasn't really helping the illness, knowing that I was surrounded by thousands of germs. _Perhaps I'm even lying on pee…Oh boy!_ I grabbed the seat to help me get up and here I was again bending over the toilet.

…

"Tegan?" I whispered as I opened her curtain's bunk

"Fuck off!" She managed to choked out. _Oh fuck! Is she crying?_ I kneeled in front of her bunk and placed a hand on her shoulder; she was shaking like a leaf. I felt a pang deep inside of my chest when she shoved my hand away. I didn't insist; maybe she needed to be alone or maybe she needed to be away from me, either way I didn't to go any further. I felt bad enough knowing that she was probably crying because of me, I didn't want to make things worse. I returned in my own bunk with a sigh. _Looks like you're not gonna get some any time soon… Come on, she's crying because of you! How can you even think about sex right now? Fuck!_

I laid on my back for a few hours, listening to my sister crying. Eventually she fell asleep unlike me and once again, I stayed awake with a disturbing feeling between my legs. I fought long against the need but the desire was too strong. In spite of the shame I felt, I slid my hand under the waistband of my boyshort. A rush of guilt washed over me when I found the wetness already there; the guilt doubled over when I touched myself while thinking about my sister. The same one who was crying only a few feet away from me not a hour ago. I imagined that my hand was hers and pictured her on top of me while I felt the pressure building; it was intense but not as much as it would have been if it was really my twin touching me. I muffled my moans against my arm while I came knowing that I was surrounded by dozen off people. I rode out my orgasm against my hand and tried to forget how pathetic I was. It worked. It worked until Tegan's voice reached my ears into the darkness.

"You're a heartless monster." She whispered softly while her words spitted venom. I was too shocked to respond or even move; the overwhelming void I felt in my chest made me forget the embarrassment that I should have felt.

Her words echoed in my mind while the room was in utter silence. It should have been restful but it was far from being the case; and in the night, the heartless monster cried too.

…

The next morning, I woke up with a hangover; I felt like shit and I looked like shit. I had bags under my red and puffy eyes due to the lack of sleep, my head was pounding and I felt nauseous. It took me an hour to get out of my bunk which was a bad idea considering that I had a flight to catch and that I still needed to pack my bags.

As much as I would have loved to, the amount of alcohol I had ingested the night before wasn't enough to make me forget what had happened; I could remember every fucking detail. And by the cold shoulder she was giving me, Tegan could too. I sat down at the table in the kitchen area and sipped from my coffee, gladly accepting the caffeine into my system before jumping in the shower.

"Tegan?" I said hesitantly, vainly trying to get her attention before we had to leave for the airport. She just kept packing and ignored me. I looked around to see if we were alone before adding "Look, I'm sorry, okay? Can we just forget about last night already?" I whispered in a pleading tone. I didn't really know what I was sorry for but it felt right; I knew I went too far but it wasn't my fault, I hadn't asked for any of it; I had been dragged in this vicious circle.

"No." She sighed exasperatedly before pushing past me.

When we arrived at the airport, everybody was silent while dragging their own illness. We waited in the lobby until it was time to board our respective flight. I didn't expect Tegan to leave without telling me goodbye, she didn't even glance in my direction when she walked away. And I didn't expect it to hurt that bad. I stood still as I watched her leave, hoping she would come back or maybe even look at me. I watched her walk away until I couldn't see her anymore. _She didn't even acknowledge me. What if my flight crashed and that they never find my body? What if hers crashed? We wouldn't even have had a chance to say goodbye to each other._

Eventually I arrived home and went straight to my bed. It was good to be home but something was off. I felt depressed. I was lonely. I reached into my pocket and grabbed my phone; I dialed Tegan's number and pressed the phone to my ear. It went straight to her voicemail. I sighed loudly and tossed my phone on the bed. _She's probably still in the airport or something like that._


	14. Chapter 14

This chapter is lame but this is all I can come up with for now.

* * *

It has been twelve days since I came back from tour and I spent almost all of my time in my closet. It was my safety place; it allowed me to hide from everything. I kept my mind busy by working on new material; I didn't need to think about anything else, I didn't have to face the reality.

I hadn't heard from Tegan since the last time I saw her, she was shamelessly ignoring me; I had to call my mom to make sure my sister was home safe. She wouldn't take my calls or even answer to the many texts I sent her; I didn't know what to do. I already apologized; what else could I do? She was driving me insane, and being alone in a dark place for almost two weeks didn't help either. I couldn't remember the last time I had saw the sunlight, or properly eat. My days basically consisted on getting up late in the afternoon, drinking coffee and barely eating, eventually taking a shower then locking myself in my sanctuary with a bottle of Scotch and my computer. Sometimes I would even cry for no reason while trying to reach my twin in utter desperation. It was unhealthy, I needed air but I couldn't seem to find the energy to do so. There was a void in my life and I knew exactly what it was; I missed her but I couldn't do anything about it. I needed her; I was going crazy because of her. I was addicted to her.

Eventually, my routine was interrupted by a phone call. I could hear my phone ringing in my bedroom but decided to ignore it until it started to bother me; I closed my laptop and tossed it aside before standing up on shaky legs. _I need some sugar in my body._ By the time I made it to the phone, the screen displayed two missed calls from Tegan. At first I thought that I was dreaming, that the lack of nutrients and the remains of alcohol in my system were playing tricks on my mind, but then it rang again. _Incoming call from Tegan._ I stared at the screen in awe, feeling my heartbeat quickened by the second. I was nervous, and truth is, I didn't even know why. _Get your shit together, it's just Tegan!_ I pressed the call button and pressed the phone to my ear

"Hello?" I asked hesitantly, my voice hoarse from the lack of use

"Hi, um … I'm calling you because I need your approval for something." A small smile crept up on my face at the sound of her voice, but quickly faded away as my brain processed the information

"Oh" was all I managed to say

"Yeah um, I met this amazing photographer who could follow us for the rest of the tour" _We haven't spoken in two fucking weeks and _this _is why you're calling me?! You're not even going to ask how the fuck I've been doing?! _

"So, you're not calling to check up on me." I said it as an affirmation as I started to feel the anger building up inside of me. I heard her sigh on the other side of the line and she took a few seconds before answering

"No." she stated softly. Even though I already knew it, the fact that she acknowledged it added insult to injury. I just wanted to hang up and returned to my occupations but I couldn't seem to do it. Everything in me said to follow my instinct and end this conversation before it hurt me even more, it told me to protect myself but there was this tiny little part that told me to bite on my tongue and cherish this rare opportunity I had to hear her voice. And that's exactly what I did. After a long moment passed without talking, Tegan broke the awkward silence. "So … what do you say about the photographer? You're okay with that?"

"Yeah whatever …" I muttered. _Honestly, I don't give a damn about that_

"Great! Also, I need you to come over to do some press before we start rehearsals." I felt like I was talking to my publicist; everything sounded so formal, the coldness of her words sent unwelcomed feelings deep inside of my chest. "I already booked your flight." She added quickly before saying goodbye. I stared at my phone in disbelief for an instant after she hung up. I couldn't believe it; how could it be reel? It seemed like she didn't care about me, she didn't even ask me how I was. _After two fucking weeks! Okay maybe she's upset at me, but still! I'm her goddamn twin! How can she not give a fuck about me?_

I plopped down on the leather couch and stared in the empty space in front of me. I was still shocked about Tegan's behavior. I didn't know how long I could handle that, I had to fix this. She couldn't reject me for the rest of her life; she couldn't do that to me! It was sickening how much I needed her but I couldn't help myself; I didn't have a choice, I just had to.

A knock on the front door brought me back to reality. I stood up and looked around at the mess, I wasn't expecting anyone. Still in my pajama, I made my way to the door and opened it. My jaw literally dropped to the floor

"Oh my God, Sara! You're a mess!" she exclaimed as she eyed me up and down

"Emy, what are you doing here?" I blurted out. I felt my inside twitched as I stood face to face with my ex lover. I must have stared at her for a bit longer than what I thought

"Are you going to let me in or …"

"Oh yeah, sorry. Come on in" I took a step to the side and closed the door behind her. I stood awkwardly behind her while she looked at the mess surrounding us; that really was what my place looked like: a mess. There were pieces of clothing sprawled everywhere, my luggage was still were I left it when I came home, empty bottles of beer and Scotch decorated the wooden floor and the curtains were closed, not letting a hint of light coming in. I hadn't even open the windows once since I came back home, I couldn't even the smell lingering in the air of the closeted place that probably reflected the neglected image of the owner. Emy let out a sigh and I looked down, feeling ashamed.

"Sara …" she said above a whisper as she lifted my head up by the chin, searching my eyes. I avoided her gaze while she spoke "you can't just give up on everything. I mean … look at you! What happened?" she asked trying to hide the concern in her voice.

"You fucking disappeared … that's what happened" I said, taking a step back as all the memories of the last few weeks came rushing back in my mind. "Why were you ignoring me?" I asked frustrated

"I needed time Sara." she simply said as if it was an excuse to let me fall apart on my own.

"I needed you!" I said looking her straight in the eyes

"I'm here now." She stated before wrapping her arms around me as tears started to fill my eyes. I buried my head in the crook of her neck as I started to sob; I could finally let it out, I didn't have to hold it back, I wasn't alone anymore. My body shook violently as I cried; I didn't know how to stop it. "Tell me what happened" she whispered softly in my ears as she started to traced comforting circles on my back to soothe me. She led me to the couch and we sat down, my head resting on her shoulder and her hand entangled in my hair. I would have thought that her arms were where I belonged to, but deep inside I knew that it wasn't my place, I didn't felt the relief I thought I would have felt while being in Emy's arms again. It wasn't the same, something had changed.

It took awhile before I was able to make a complete sentence again. When my crying died down, I started to explain what had happened while she was gone; I told her everything I could remember from the last few weeks. I couldn't look at her while I was talking, I was ashamed and I half expected her to scream her disgust and run away from me as far as she could. She didn't do any of that, she silently listened to me and waited until I was done. I heard her sniffle and looked up, seeing her hiding her face in her hands and realizing she was crying. "Em?" I tentatively put a hand on her back and she let out a shaky breath.

"God, Sara! What the fuck are you doing? This can't go on, this is not okay. You can't just-" she trailed off as more tears escaped from her eyes.

"I know … But I don't know how to stop it! I just … I need it" I tried to explain myself. Emy just shook her head before standing up

"Sara," she sighed as she started to pace back and forth the living room "I wouldn't have broken up with you if I thought that I had a chance to compete against Tegan …" I stared at her in confusion, waiting for her to get to her point "It's obvious you love he-"

"I don't!" I quickly defended myself "She's my sister, I don't love her like _that_!"

"So you don't mind having sex with your sister but it bothers you when we talk about feelings?" she asked sarcastically

"I just need that from her and I don't know why! It has nothing to do with feelings"

"Of course it does Sara! Otherwise you're just a weirdo using your sister for sex?!" She sent me a glare, daring me to say yes "You love her but you have a fucking twisted way of showing that and you're hurting her just because you're not ready to acknowledge it yet! Stop trying to fight against that, you're hurting _everyone_ by doing that, including myself!" She said firmly and I could sense that Emy was starting to get angry. I put my face in my hands and let her words sink in. _It made sense actually… but it doesn't mean it's true. I would have known it if I loved her! Why do we always have to put words on the things we're feeling? I can't describe what I feel. I just need her for fuck's sake! _"You need to figure your shit and apologize before it's too late"

"I already apologized but she wouldn't listen to me" I said defensively

"Then find something else!" she said as she started to gather my clothes from the floor "But now, you have to clean this place!"

_A week after_

"So," she started hesitantly "What happened with your sister? She's been acting weird lately" my mom asked me while keeping her eyes on the rainy road.

"I have no clue" I lied, not even trying to sound convincing as I looked out the window. I could feel a knot forming in my stomach knowing I was minutes away of seeing my sister again. I heard my mother sigh as she stopped the car in front of her house

"Well, I hope you two are going to make it through the week without killing each other because Tegan is staying here too. There are constructions near her building and she wanted to relax during the break"

"Great …" I muttered before opening the door and making my way to the trunk to grab my bags. I followed my mom inside and dropped my bags to the floor, my eyes landed on Tegan sitting on the couch, immersed in the novel she was holding and I found myself smiling like an idiot when she briefly looked up.

"Okay girls, I have to go back to work now. See you later" our mother announced and I couldn't stop the butterflies in my stomach at the thought of being alone with Tegan. My mind wandered to the little friend I had especially bought to use on Tegan and brought along but I quickly pushed the thought away.

"Bye mom" we said in unison and in a flash she was gone. I turned to Tegan "Hey," I started tentatively, earning no response I sat down next to her with a sigh, "listen, I already apologize. What else do you want me to do?"

"Just stop being a dick already" she said, not looking up from her book. I placed a hand on her knee, trying to get her attention. She dropped her book with a loud sigh and turned her face to look at me. _Finally!_

"Tegan," I said in a pleading tone even though I didn't really know what I was begging for. Our eyes locked and at that moment I could have sworn that it was just us in our bubble, nothing else mattered. Her hazel eyes pierced right through mine, sending shivers down my entire body. The eye contact was intense, almost unbearable and I couldn't stand it; my eyes traveled back and forth from her eyes to her parted lips, I felt my heart skipped a beat, my breathing fastened and before I knew what was happening, my lips were against hers. I kissed her with every inches of desperation I was feeling before she would push me away, I needed her so badly. To my surprise, she kissed back, clinging on the collar of my shirt as I stroke her cheek with my thumb.

"Sara," she whispered as she pulled away; my name fell so gently from her mouth "you're doing it again! You just want to get off!" she said sadly.

"W-what? No, I just need you. Please" I said honestly, looking into her eyes. I smiled when she didn't say anything and I gently kissed her neck, making sure to not rush things to avoid making her feel used again. I kissed every inches of uncovered skin I could before pressing my lips against hers. The second our lips connected, something happened, I wondered if she felt it too; I couldn't yet describe what it was but I was willing to find out. At that moment I felt alive for the first time in three weeks. Maybe Emy was right.


	15. Chapter 15

Edited by **HesOnlyRadical**

Read, enjoy and please, review!

* * *

The second our lips connected, something happened, I wondered if she felt it too; I couldn't yet describe what it was but I was willing to find out. At that moment I felt alive for the first time in three weeks. Maybe Emy was right. _Or not! It's ridiculous, she's your sister!_

Without breaking the kiss, I led her onto her back to the couch and situated myself between her legs. Our tongues met in a battle for dominance and Tegan's hand found its way at the back of my neck, keeping me in place. _She wants it too_, the thought was liberating, I hadn't thought it would be that easy to have her back. _Perhaps she missed it too._ I kissed down her jawline to her neck while sliding my hand under her shirt, slowly reaching her chest. I shivered lightly while trailing my fingers on her soft skin; I _needed_ to feel her. I lowered my lips down to her stomach and tried to get rid of her shirt before being interrupted "No… Stop." She whispered. I looked up to her face, confused.

"What do you mean no?"

"You _really _think we are going to have sex right now, don't you?" She said, sitting straight up.

"Yeah, why not?" I mumbled.

"See?" She pushed me off of her, "that's exactly what I was saying; you're just using me for sex! You don't give a single fuck about what I feel!" She said angrily before standing up and leaving me to wonder where I went wrong. _Smart move there, Sara. Really smooth._

The next morning was rough; my body was sore, Tegan wouldn't speak to me and our mother wouldn't stop being the therapist she was.

"Girls, how long are you going to act like you don't know each other?" Our mother asked us as she dropped her mug in the sink. I looked over at Tegan who shrugged, absentmindedly staring into the plate in front of her.

"Tegan's the one being childish, mom." I defended myself "I mean, my back hurts because she made me sleep on the couch!" I heard my mom laugh and I sent her a glare.

"Sorry," she giggled, "but why didn't you come in my bed?"

"I'm 28 mom, it's just too weird… plus you were already asleep; I didn't want to wake you up."

"Alright," she said with a smile while grabbing her jacket, "I have to go now."

"Bye mom." We said in unison.

"Behave!" Our mom called out before closing the door behind her.

"So," I said looking back at my sister, trying to find something to start a conversation with, "what time is the interview?" I asked the first thing that came in my mind.

"Ten." She said blankly before standing up and disappearing upstairs. _Fuck! Why does she have to make things so complicated?!_ I wasn't really using her for sex after all; if I just wanted to get laid, I could just pick up a random girl at a bar but that wasn't what I was looking for. It was different with Tegan, it made me feel things I never felt before and I needed it. I needed her. I craved her, every inches of her. I wanted it all; it was an addiction that needed to be fed.

I pressed my forehead on the wooden door; fighting the urge to open it and join my sister in her shower as I pictured her body under the stream of the hot water. I imagined my bare body pressed against hers, my hands exploring her nudity, my lips and teeth marking her as mine and her voice filling my ears. I was so lost in my thoughts I didn't hear when she turned the water off, I didn't hear her turned the knob either but I did feel the door being pushed open in my face.

"Shit! Are you okay, Sar?" Tegan asked panicked as I put a hand on my face to soothe the pain, resting my body on the opposite wall. _At least she talks to me now._

"Yeah." I mumble after awhile, wincing in pain.

"I'm sorry; I didn't know you were th- what the hell were you even doing behind that door?" I felt my face burned in embarrassment and I tried to hide it behind my hands.

"I wanted to see if you were done." I lied through my teeth. She stood in front of me, putting my hands away and taking a look at my face.

"It's fine … your lips is a little bit swollen but nothing too bad." She said with a smile, her thumb tracing the shape of my lips. _She's so cute when she smiles like that, how have I not notice that before!?_ My breath caught in my throat as our eyes locked and a shiver ran down my spine. I wanted to lean in and capture her lips with mine but she was already gone.

…

"Remind me to put this guy in the 'Never do an interview with this guy again' list." Tegan joked to lighten the mood after a disastrous interview as we stepped out of the building and into the busy streets of Vancouver.

"Yeah… I mean, _you_ agreed to do it with him." I responded with a chuckle. Looking around, I spotted a small restaurant and saw my chance to ease the tension between us. "Hey, do you want to go eat?" I asked, pointing to the place that caught my eye. Tegan's eyes followed my pointer finger and she laughed a little before answering.

"You're too poor for that kind of restaurant." She joked again.

"Come on, just let's go." I insisted, jokingly nudging her in the shoulder. I didn't know why but even that innocent touch gave me goosebumps.

"Seriously Sara, I don't want to spend hundreds of dollars on food." Tegan stated.

"My treat, then." I said, starting to walk towards the restaurant.

I opened the door and held it open for Tegan to enter first. My jaw literally dropped when I took a look at my surroundings. _Maybe Tegan was right._ I was thinking about leaving and choosing another place when the hostess came over to install us.

We sat down at a table in a corner and looked at the menus the waitress gave us.

"So … your treat, uh?" Tegan laughed, probably looking over at the prices.

"Whatever." I responded smiling as I choose my own meal. After awhile, I found myself staring at my sister; I watched her every moves, I noted how adorable she was when her nose twitched, I smiled when she furrowed her brows in confusion while reading something she didn't know on the menu, I watched how she toyed with her labret with her tongue… sometimes it only made me want to rip it out of her face but, times like this made my mind wander to all the things she could do with that tongue of hers and quite honestly, it turned me on. I felt stupid being turned on just by watching her but it was what she did to me; she had a strong hold on me. She could have me down on my knees with a snap of her fingers. _Hell no! She's your sister, how could she? Can you hear yourself right now? You're so ridiculous!_

I looked up at her eyes and she was staring right back at me. "Were you even listening?" she asked, visibly annoyed.

"Wh-what? No sorry, I was…" I trailed off, not knowing what to say.

"Whatever Sar," she sighed, leaning back onto her seat, "I asked if you knew what you wanted?"

"What I wanted about what?" My eyes grew wide; I wasn't really in the mood to start a conversation about what we were doing in the middle of a public place. I wasn't in the mood to talk about it at all, ever. I just wanted us to do it without questioning further; it would only made me feel like a freak and the guilt was already enough to deal with.

"What do you mean about what? About your food!" Right on time, the waitress came to take our order. I managed to keep my mind focused through the dinner even though there was not much to focus on; it went pretty silent but it was a comfortable silence. We enjoyed being around each other while sipping on our wine; no one screamed and no one cried. It was good for once.

On our way back to our mom's, we walked closely together; occasionally brushing our arms together until my fingers locked around hers. I looked over at Tegan to see her reaction, she didn't say anything, she just smiled while staring straight ahead; it just felt right. It could have been the wine that accompanied the expensive dinner but I knew better, I knew it was something else, something I couldn't put my finger on. It just felt right and I didn't want to question it further.

Tegan opened the door to our mom's house and I followed her inside. _This is weird…_ _We could just go to your place._ I plopped down on the couch, tossing my jacket away and watching the sway of Tegan's hips as she walked towards the kitchen.

"Do you want something?" She asked, opening a cabinet.

"Yeah." I said in a low voice. Tegan looked at me questioningly and I stood up, making my way over to her. I made her step back until her body was pressed against the counter, and I pressed mine against her, wrapping my arms around waist. I lightly pecked her lips, once, twice before she pressed her palms against my chest to stop me.

"Why are you doing this?" She asked, her eyes intensely staring into mine.

"I don't know." I whispered in her ear before resuming my previous actions; this time I got a response. And it was all I needed to keep going; she kissed back shyly as I moved my hands up and down her sides and pressed my hips harder against hers. I pulled away from the kiss, breathing heavily and looking into her eyes for a moment before taking her jacket off and letting it fall to the floor. Tegan didn't say anything; she looked at me, her eyes filled with love and lust. I concentrated on the lust and put the love at the back of my head; I knew I would feel guilty afterwards, why would I ruin the moment by thinking about that now? I cupped her face, caressing her cheeks with my thumbs before leaning in to kiss the corner of her lips.

"You know you're hurting me, right?" She questioned me as I buried my head in the crook of her neck. I nodded against her skin, "but you don't care?"

"I do care Tegan. I just can't help myself. " I mumbled into her skin, placing kisses in between my words.

"I just want to understand…" She sighed as she hugged me closer.

"I would like to understand too." I admitted. I kept kissing her neck as we fell silent; her skin was so soft, it was hard to resist, I wanted more. I needed more. Slowly, I started to unbutton her shirt as I breathed in her scent. She could have stopped me if she wanted too, but I was more than glad that she didn't. Maybe she understood how I felt, maybe she just gave up on trying to push me away, knowing I didn't have a choice but come back to her. I pulled her shirt open, exposing her bra covered chest; my fingers lingered on her skin as she let out a long shaky breath. I looked up; seeing her tears, I kissed them away but soon there were too many and I could only watch them fall. "You can stop me." I reassured her before softly kissing her lips salted by tears. I hated seeing her like this, it made me feel useless. I couldn't do anything to soothe her, it was my fault she was feeling this way and I couldn't help but make it even worse. I needed it… and I was selfish enough to take care of my needs before hers. I slid her shirt off her shoulders, kissing each inch of uncovered skin before pulling away; I searched her face but her look was unreadable.

"You're beautiful, you know?" The words flew out of my mouth on their own accord as soon as they crossed my mind. She smiled sadly and I stopped regretting my words at the sight of her smile; even a small one, it warmed frozen pieces buried deep inside of me, it meant something to me and it made it all worth it. I stroked her cheeks, wiping her tears away with my thumbs and forced the eye contact. I needed some sort of knowledge; even the smallest one and I wanted her to want it too. I wanted her to kiss me, I wanted her to crave my skin, I wanted to hear her moan my name. I needed it but she wouldn't give it to me; she kept avoiding my gaze. "Tegan, look at me." I took her hand in mine, kissing it before placing it on my chest. "_Babe,_ look at me. Please." I didn't know if it was because of the nickname I wasn't meaning to say but she did as she was told. "Tell me you want it, too." I demanded but it came out as a desperate pleading. I kissed her shoulders, reaching my hands behind her back to unhook her bra. I sucked on her neck, leaving marks, down to her collarbone and down to her breasts. I took one of her nipple in my mouths while massaging the other with my hand. I slightly bit on it before soothing the pain away with my tongue. "Tell me you want it too." I asked again while kissing down her stomach, slowly reaching her jeans. She looked down at me as I kneeled in front of her, her tears still falling and she bit her bottom lip while I unbuttoned her pants. If she wouldn't give me what I wanted, I would have to take it from her; I needed her to say it. I slid her pants down her thighs and helped her to kick them off. I kissed her inner thighs, making my way to her center, I could see the wet spot on her underwear and I couldn't wait to feel her. I kissed her clit through her soaked underwear, the scent of her excitement turned me on. I stood up, my lips inches from her "Kiss me." I ordered while rubbing her. She shook her head, refusing to give me what I wanted; I rubbed harder as the frustration started to settle in. I was rewarded with a muffled moan; her breathing came out ragged in my ears as I leaned in for a passionate kiss. I slid my tongue in her mouth as I let her underwear fall to the floor and started pumping in and out of her, her moans vibrating against my lips. I unbuttoned my own jeans with my free hand and guided her hand where I needed her the most. I grinded against her hand, trying to get some friction since she wasn't moving but even that, she wouldn't give it to me. I started to get really frustrated before I remembered the little friend I had brought along. I gently pulled out of her; she whimpered at the loss of contact but didn't move. I made my way to my bag lying next to the couch and searched for my new toy. I pulled it out and came back to the naked woman waiting for me, confusion written all over her face.

"Oh… oh!" I finally got to hear her voice as the realization hit her, her eyes fixed on the feeldoe I was holding. A smirk plastered on my face, I grabbed my sister by the waist and made her sit on the kitchen table. I quickly unzipped my jeans and slid them down along with my underwear.

"Tell me you want it, too." I asked again, my lips against hers as I adjusted the feeldoe inside of me; considering how wet I was, it wasn't that hard. I rubbed my cock against her swollen clit a few times before fully pushing it inside of her walls.

"Fuck!" Tegan gasped, her nails clawing at the skin on my shoulders through my shirt and her ankles locking behind me. I bucked my hips into her, feeling the part inside of me hitting my g-spot each time; I started to thrust faster, falling into a rhythmic pace. I moaned into her mouth as I felt the pressure building; I thrusted harder and faster, earning guttural moans from Tegan. I kissed her neck as she entangled her hands in my hair; I lost myself in her touch, I felt her everywhere. The pleasure was so intense I thought I was going to pass out; my heartbeat and breathing were so fast, matching my thrusts. I pulled away from the kiss, searching her face; we looked into each other's eyes as we teetered on the edge. The act itself was rough but it didn't feel like it; we were connected to the deepest point as we struggled to maintain the eye contact. Finally, Tegan leaned in and kissed me first. "I love you." she whispered, sending sparks through my entire system and pulling away; it felt like heaven… but every moment of pure bliss has to come to an end, everything has its con.

We were so lost in our moment we didn't hear the front door open and close. The sounds coming from the entrance of the house were muffled by our ragged breaths and moans. For an instant it was just us, as we came together in sync, clinging to each other like the world would end if we ever let go. I pressed my lips against hers and closed my eyes as I rode out my orgasm, enjoying every bit of it. It has been so long… our skin glistening from sweat, the sound of our heavy breathing, the mixed scent of our excitement, the feeling of her lips against mine, my heart beating so fast in my chest, our mixed juices sliding down our thighs, Tegan's hands on my neck… She was my definition of perfection. This moment could have been perfect. It probably would have been perfect if our mother hadn't walked in right when we both hit our climax. But this moment wasn't destined to be perfect, and she did walk in. She interrupted that moment of intimacy we were sharing, and broke the connection that bound us. The second we realized we weren't alone anymore, the link between us broke and it felt like we were mile away from each other even though we couldn't have been any closer.

"Oh my God!" Our mother sounded terrified; she gasped loudly. Instinctively, I glanced back to her and stopped breathing when I met the eyes of my mother's horrified stare. We all stood there, frozen to the bone. No one dared moving. Maybe it wouldn't be really happening if we were not alive? Our mother stood there, her hands in front of her mouth, glancing between me and Tegan as her eyes started to fill with tears as she processed what had been happening on her kitchen's table. I stood unmoving on shaky legs, my face red from shame and embarrassment while being deep inside of my twin. In front of me, Tegan couldn't move, her legs wide opened for me and her eyes down from shame. _We're fucked._


	16. Chapter 16

Sorry for the wait.

Enjoy & Review!

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« Why? » Our mom broke the silence that was installed in the room. I felt the color drained out of my face as I turned to face my mom's eyes. I guessed that I would have to answer to all of her questions since Tegan's mind was elsewhere. She tuned us out; she was in her own bubble, staring absentmindedly in her cup of Earl Grey. I wished I could do the same as her, have some sort of defense mechanism and zone out. I wished I could avoid my mom's insistent glare.

I could choose the easier way and lie; tell her it was the first time. I could tell her that was it a sick perverted fantasy we both had and decided to get rid of it. I wished I could tell her what she wanted to hear. I wished I could just lie. God, I wouldn't fool anyone even if I tried, let alone my own mother. She would see it right away. I didn't have a choice; I had to dig in the deepest part of my soul to find an answer satisfying enough for my mother, but I knew that none of the ideas that plopped into my mind were. I had to jump in, knowing that there were chances that none of us would come back unscathed. "I need it. I feel like I'm being pulled towards her. I don't know how to stop it … I just can't, I-I …" I trailed off, my chest tightening. I was already drowning and it was just the beginning.

"Sara, this is not …" she shook her head at a loss of words. I couldn't read her look and I was afraid of what I would see if I could. "What has gotten into you two?!" I choked out a sob, putting my head in my hands as her voice got louder

"I don't know, mom" I mumbled into my skin. What was sad about it was that I truly didn't know; I was drowned in an ocean of nameless emotions constantly weighing me down, there was no rescuing me, I was on my own.

"Are you … _in love?_" she asked, disgust dripping out from her mouth. I tried to wipe my tears away to no avail, they wouldn't stop falling. Tegan on the other hand showed no emotions at all, her face was blank but I knew her better than that. I knew that she was struggling to keep her composure and that she was dying to hear my answer. She knew I couldn't lie to my mother. But I couldn't lie to myself either.

"No …" the word came out as a whisper. Perhaps it went unnoticed to my mother's eyes but at that moment I felt Tegan falling to pieces. I wanted to fix her, pick up every little fragments of her heart and hold them back to her but every time I would try, they would slip off of my hands, crash to the ground and break like pieces of glass, spreading everywhere and making it impossible to find them all, making it impossible to hand her back a complete heart. If I could, I would cut bits of what was left of my own organ to complete hers, I would manufacture a hand-made heart, a less dysfunctional one with pieces of hers and mine. Maybe we already shared craft hearts, pulled to one another, needing to be completed. We were meant to be one, but we split. We needed to be one to be fixed. We couldn't. I couldn't fix her, and it broke me too.

"What about Lindsey, Tegan?" I turned my attention back to my mom as the sound of her voice interrupted my internal thoughts. I furrowed my brows in confusion, _never heard of a Lindsey before._ I turned my face to Tegan, waiting for her to explain. But her explanations never came as she stood up suddenly and literally ran out of the door, trying to hide her tears.

"Who's Lindsey?" I voiced my questioning, turning back around.

"Tegan's girlfriend." My mom stated bitterly. If I couldn't quit define what I felt towards my sister; this time I could exactly name this emotion I knew all too well as I felt myself being swallowed by the ocean. I took the news like a dagger in the back, she betrayed me, she lied to me. I was suffocating, I couldn't breathe anymore; I drowned in the jealousy.

…

"Are you doing it on purpose?!" I snapped as Tegan messed up the lyrics to Living Room again, turning to face her. She sent me a questioning look, pushing at all my buttons. "Are you really that fucking dumb?! You wrote the fucking song! How can you not remember the lyrics?!"

"And are you going to be a bitch all the fucking time?" she snapped back to match my bitchy tone. We were going to leave for the next leg of the tour in a couple of days and we couldn't stand to be in the same room without getting at each other's throat; the tension between us was palpable even from miles away but neither of the boys dared to intervene or even question our behavior.

"Tegan shut the fuck up and play the motherfucking song!" I said angrily

"You fucking bitch, don't you dare telling me what to do!" she screamed at me, standing up and tossing her guitar in my direction. The neck broke in two with the impact as the guitar landed at my feet; by the time I looked up, Tegan was already out the door but I wasn't going to let her go that easily.

"What's wrong with you?!" I yelled as I entered the room she was hoping to hide in to calm herself down. I made sure to lock the door before walking to her. I pushed her shoulders forcefully, forcing her to stumble backwards, her body colliding against the wall; I put a hand around her neck, and gripped strong enough to briefly cut her breathing before she shoved me away, sending me flying to the ground. I landed on my back with a thud but I didn't have the time to even wince before Tegan was on top of me, straddling my waist. She pinned both of my hands above my head with one of hers, overpowering me and used the other one to grip my neck, the same way as I did with hers.

"You are the fucking problem!" she said through clenched teeth, the anger in her eyes mirroring mine. My lungs started to wheeze, the lack of oxygen getting the better of me with my lungs condition and Tegan let go of her death grip on me. I saw my chance there and flipped us over

"Who's the bitch now, uh?" I whispered in her ear in a low voice, my hand sliding down between our bodies to cup her mound. She tried to fight me off but I didn't let her overpower me this time; she didn't try for long though. She knew it was going to happen anyway. It was how we would _resolve_ our arguments ever since our mom caught us. You would think it would have encouraged us to stop but it didn't, it increased the need instead. We would fight and yelled at each other then we would find a dark corner to fuck relentlessly. We convinced ourselves that the angry sex was the solution to all of our problems, when in fact it only helped to ease the tension for a small amount of time.

I undid her jeans and slid them down to her thighs as best as I could. She grabbed me by the neck and brought my face in front of her, smacking her lips against mine. The roughness of our kiss would probably leave us with bruised lips but it didn't bring us to stop for all that. My fingers found the wetness between her legs while she hurried to unbutton my own jeans, our lips still connected. I entered her with two fingers easily, earning a loud moan from my sister who struggled to get into my pants. I pulled away from the kiss as I started to thrust harder and faster inside of her pulsing walls, attacking her neck with my lips and teeth. She rubbed me through my underwear and I bucked my hips against her hand, gaining more friction before grabbing her wrist and shoving her hand inside of my underwear. "Fuck!" she moaned as I hit a good spot

"You like that, uh?" I asked as I fucked her harder, feeling myself drip onto her hand

"Fuck yes! Don't stop, Sar" she responded breathlessly, her nails clawing at the skin on the back of my neck

"Does Lindsey fuck you like this?" she ignored my question and tried to distract me with her fingers. I moaned against her lips, "Answer me" I insisted, biting on her earlobe

"No" she admitted but I knew she was lying. It was all she was able to do anyway; she was lying since the very beginning. She drove me insane, told me she loved me while she fucked someone else behind my back. I felt her squirm underneath me and brought my attention back to her. Her eyes were tightly closed, her head thrown back, her skin glistening with sweat, her muscles tightening as the pleasure built inside of her. Her moans were getting louder with each thrust of my fingers squeezed between her walls as she gasped in my ears, hanging over the edge. I kissed her hard as I felt myself coming close. It wasn't long before I felt her body shook underneath me, her back arching as she came all over my hand. The sight alone was enough to send me over the edge, too. We rode out our orgasm together, slowing our thrusts to an end in sync.

We laid still, our bodies limp and foreheads pressed together as we caught our breath still deep inside of each other and clinging to one another as if it was the end of time. Her breathing fitted mine, her heartbeat matched mine; we were the same, it felt like home.

Perhaps it was how it was meant to be, we were meant to be one. Perhaps we needed to be connected to try to fix the nature's mistakes, to fix us. I was giving up on trying to fight that magnetic pull; it was a battle I couldn't win, I had been setting up for a loss since the very beginning, I was going to _fall_ anyway. _Why even try?_ It was home.

"We haven't fucked yet" Tegan broke the silence with her confession. I kissed her lips, tenderly this time as a wave of relief washed over me. She was still mine even though she had a 'girlfriend'. "We should probably go now" she said shyly as she pulled away.

"Yeah" I nodded and just like that, we split again to dysfunctional individuals. Removing our fingers from each others, I helped her into a standing position, and hugged her tightly. We smoothed the wrinkles in our clothes before leaving the room, walking the small distance side by side to join our band impatiently waiting for us.

The talking and laughing stopped as soon as we opened the door; I offered a weak smile, signaling that everything was fine _for now_ to ease the anxiety that was readable on Ted, Shaun and Johnny's faces. We were fine now, until the next time.

…

_04.16.2008 - Vancouver_

"Try again!" I stood up from the couch, starting to pace back and forth in my sister's living room

"Sara, it's obvious she doesn't want to talk to us." Tegan said defeated, tossing her phone in her bag

"But we're about to leave!"

"I know … But I-I think she needs more time" she said with a sigh before taking a look around to make sure she had everything.

"Time for what!?"

"You know … it's not everyday that you catch your twins having sex with each other. Come on now, we have a flight to catch."

_04.17.2008 - Salem, OR_

I closed my book shut with a sigh. I couldn't focus; I kept reading the same sentence over and over again. My mind wasn't at peace, it was exhausting. I couldn't get that Lindsey out of my head. I had so many questions; I needed to talk to Tegan, I needed to know why she lied to me.

"Hey Al, have you seen Tegan?" I asked, staring in my cup of coffee.

"Yes, she was in the dressing room with the photographer"

"Thanks" I stood up from my seat and exited the bus. _She could have told me the photographer was there, I haven't met _him _yet._ I made my inside the venue, trying to think of a way to bring the subject without letting my mask fall. Tegan didn't need to know why it bothered me that she had a girlfriend. I placed my hand on the doorknob and took a deep breath

I opened the dressing room's door and my jaw dropped to the floor. I wasn't expecting _that_ at all. Tegan was sitting on the couch with a brunette on her lap, making out. Tegan froze momentarily as her eyes fell on me

"Oh, Sara … um," she cleared her throat "this is our new photographer" Tegan said blushing as the brunette stood up awkwardly. A lump forming in my throat, I kept my eyes on Tegan's as the brunette approached me with a stupid grin plastered on her face. I couldn't let my mask fall but I didn't know if I had the strength to keep it in place as the brunette introduced herself to me

"Hi. I'm Lindsey" _The fucking girlfriend._


	17. Chapter 17

Guys! I'm so sorry it took me so long to update. Life has been in the way :/

If some of you are still interested in this fic, I will continue it. If you are still reading this, please let me know and I'll try to update the next chapter asap!

Now, this chapter is kinda weird/boring but it needed to be done!

(Try to) enjoy & Please Review! ;)

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« Hi. I'm Lindsey » I turned my attention to her as her voice pierced through my ears. My eyes fell on that stupid smile I so wanted to rip off before falling to the hand she was offering for me to shake. I stared at her for a long time before she awkwardly let her arm fall to her side. I felt like I was moving in slow motion as I turned my face to look at Tegan. _I need to get the fuck out of here!_

"Fucking smooth, Tegan" I said, my voice cracking a bit as I held back a sob that I didn't know was threatening to escape from its shelter. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to suppress the stinging of the tears. I felt like the world was crumbling around me and I couldn't move; I was trapped. She beat me at my own game and I was doomed to fall. Alone.

I opened my eyes and I felt dizzy as I saw Tegan approaching. Her lips were moving, she was talking to me but I couldn't hear her. The only sound I could hear was the frantic beating of my heart, ready to jump out of its broken shelter to find a safety place and find its match in the identical chest across from me, where it belonged. When my dysfunctional organ was finally ready to navigate its way home and find its missing piece, the part that would make it whole, the part that would make _me_ whole, I had to fight and hold it back. I stared at her, I watched as she reached her hand out to me. _Why the fuck does she thinks she can touch me now? God knows where her hands have been! _I took a step back as all of my senses kicked back in.

"Don't fucking touch me!" I snapped before walking backwards, towards the door. She watched me leave without a word, her partner in crime standing at her side, confused. I closed the door behind me and stood in the hall in shock, trying to understand what had just happened. What was the point in all of this? Why should I care about her when all she was able to do was betray me? I needed to escape, I needed air.

I found myself outside the venue, trembling like a leaf; my body resting against the wall. Hidden from everyone, I allowed my emotions to get the best of me. Tears were freely pouring out of my eyes as I let my body sliding to the floor. I couldn't even carry my own weight; I was so exhausted. I couldn't handle all these feelings alone, they were tearing me apart. How was I supposed to react when the missing half of my heart was rejecting me, when I finally understood that I couldn't fight against a magnetic pull? What could I do if that missing half refused to come to me, where it belonged to? Tegan was mine, and I was hers. It was how it was meant to be, we couldn't change that. Why would she deny it now? Why would she try to replace me with someone that couldn't fit in her heart? It was my place to be, I was her missing half.

I wasn't prepared for my feelings to get involved in this. I tried so hard to fool myself, trying to convince myself that it was just physical. I shouldn't have let my guard down, I shouldn't have let her a chance to hurt me. I wasn't prepared for this and I couldn't let it happen again. It would take some time, but my walls could be built again, right?

I exhaled a long sigh, trying to control my erratic breathing through my sobs to no avail. I couldn't understand why I let myself feel like that about someone who obviously didn't care about me. I was angry at myself for believing that we could try to work this out, I wasn't even angry at Tegan for lying to me. I was sad, deeply sad … and disgusted.

"Sara?" Tegan's voice made me sick to my stomach

"Leave me the fuck alone!" I choked out without looking up

"Sara, I'm sorry, okay? I should have told you sooner but you shouldn't have reacted this way! What would she think now?" I tried to bloke her out but I just couldn't

"Blame me! You're the one who keep acting behind my back!" I yelled as I struggled to breathe properly

"Oh! So this is what it is about? You're jealous?" she said in a sarcastic tone

"I'm not jealous!" I lied. I couldn't afford to let my guard down a second time. Whatever the feelings I felt, she couldn't know it."We're business partners; you should have told me she was your _girlfriend_. Period." I said as I tried to regain my composure. I still couldn't look up at her tough, or I would probably lose my ability to speak

"Why are you crying then?" she kept pushing, knowing I wasn't truly honest about my motives

"Because you're fucking playing with my nerves!" That was not a complete lie. She really was playing with my nerves. What was the point of bringing that girl along? Obviously she wanted to get a reaction out of me. And it worked.

"And why won't you look at me?" That was the moment I completely lost it, she wouldn't make it easy for me and I couldn't hold back anymore. I kept crying and tried to muffle my screams against the sleeve of my shirt, rocking back and forth on the ground. I squeezed my eyes shut as I felt Tegan's hand on my shoulders, I tried to shove her away but she wouldn't budge. She thought she was helping when in fact she was just making me sick, a wave of nausea hit me by the simple touch. I screamed louder, trying to get it all out, trying to get rid of the burden on my chest. I was shaking with rage, sobbing hysterically and starting to sweat while Tegan tried to soothe me with her words. I couldn't even think anymore … or breathe for that matter. "Sara, you need to calm down a bit" she whispered softly while she rubbed my arm. I wanted to yell at her but the words wouldn't come out. I wanted to push her away but I was physically and emotionally drained. I had no strength left. I didn't know if I could ever recover from this. _Maybe it would be easier if I just didn't try to._ "Sara?" Tegan's worried tone echoed through my mind as I felt my chest tightening. I started coughing and reach into my pocket with my tingling fingers but I found nothing. I couldn't stop couching and Tegan was starting to panic. "Puffer. Where's your puffer?" She asked frantically, eyes wide open as she watched me struggle. "Sara, just stay calm. I'm gonna get it. It's gonna be okay" I nodded my head and closed my eyes as she ran back to the bus.

Each exhale was a battle, and I was losing it. _That's it, I'm gonna die in my sorrow. _I kept saying that in my mind as the seconds passed. At some point I couldn't even cough anymore, I was suffocating.

I didn't know how I felt. I thought that maybe my body had just given up, or maybe it was just life that was handing me an emergency exit. I wasn't ready to leave yet, I couldn't go knowing that Tegan would never know how I felt, knowing that my mother was hating me, knowing that Emy was suffering because of the bond I shared with my sister. I needed time to fix all of this, but time was a luxury that I couldn't afford. _Tegan, where are you? _

That was the last thought that crossed my mind before I started to lose consciousness.

…

_I don't know where I am going; I don't even know where I've been. The rain is pouring but I keep running. There's a beeping sound, I look around and I find myself cornered. The world is tightening around me, I can't escape. My mind is fuzzy; I don't know what to do. I keep running, no one can help me, I'm on my own. I keep running even though I can't breathe, I try to escape but I collapse. I can't stop from falling. I feel a jolt through my body as somebody catches me, I can't see their face but I would recognize their voice everywhere._

_"You did it to yourself" it's my own voice, I feel my fingers slip, I'm losing my grip and before I know it, I'm falling again._

_I feel another jolt and I start to make out noises around me. I can hear voices calling out to me but I can't see them. They are trying to catch me, I can feel them but I can't reach them. I can't see them. I keep falling._


	18. Chapter 18

Seriously guys ... I'm sorry, but hopefully the next one will be better.

Don't hate me for this lame chapter & Please Review.

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I looked around, slowly taking in my surroundings through my blurry vision. White walls, white furniture, uncomfortable white bed. I hated the smell lingering in hospital and I felt out of place in here, I needed to get out and I had places to be. I started to wonder how long I stayed unconscious under everyone's stare, what had been told about me, what if Tegan had to explain my _little_ breakdown…

"Do you remember what happened?" the doctor asked me, tearing me out of my reverie and I nodded in response, I felt too exhausted to speak. I could see Tegan in my peripheral vision, watching me intensely, both of her hands wrapped around mine. "Can you follow the light?" he asked as he put a small flashlight in front of my face. The light worsened my headache but I did as I was told. _If that means getting out of here …_ "Alright. So, you had an asthma attack and you stopped breathing which caused your heart to stop beating. When the EMT arrived, they had to revive you but it took them a few minutes to get your heart to start again and therefore we need to run a few tests to make sure that your brain hasn't been damaged from the lack of oxygen. Do you have any questions?" I removed the oxygen mask from my face and voiced my questioning

"When can I get out of here? We have a show tonight" my throat was sore but I managed to get the words out. He chuckled lightly and gave me a warm smile

"No show tonight Sasa" Tegan informed me gently before the doctor spoke up

"I'll let you know as soon as we'll have the tests results, but for now," he said, turning his head to the monitoring machine "your blood pressure is still too high and your oxygen saturation is a bit low so you need to rest. The medication is going to help you relax" he said in a reassuring tone before addressing to Tegan "Make sure she keeps the mask on"

We stayed silent for a few minutes after he left the room. I kept replaying the events from earlier in my mind, I couldn't stop it. I felt guilty for being so weak and for letting my emotions get the best of me. I knew I had to block my feelings out even if it meant that I needed to put emotional distance between my sister and I. I had to build my walls back up and hide my feelings behind them. I couldn't let her see inside of me ever again. She couldn't hurt me if I didn't let her in, right? It didn't matter how I felt inside, and as much as I hated this idea, I knew _it_ had to stop, it wasn't healthy, it couldn't be. _Look where it led us_

"I'm so sorry…" she whispered after awhile, bringing me back to reality. She looked at me, tears in her eyes. I put the oxygen mask away from my mouth and responded

"I thought you loved me" I said but it came out as a whimper

"I do love you Sara … but I wish I knew how to stop it. Obviously we don't want the same thing and I think that Lindsey might be-" I cut her off, not willing to hear the reasoning behind her actions

"You broke my motherfucking heart!" The words were out of my mouth before I had a chance to stop them "Whatever," I quickly added, not letting her any chance to comment. "Your _girlfriend _is probably waiting for you. You should go now" I said through heavy breaths then I turned my face away as I felt the stinging in my eyes, facing in the opposite direction from her. It killed me; I didn't want her to go, I wanted her to stay by my side, I needed to feel her … but I had to suppress that urge, I had to fight against it. I had to push her away, block her out. My chest ached as I felt her leave my side but I knew that I had to get used to this feeling.

"Mom is on her way" She whispered in a shaky voice before leaving. My heart skipped a beat at the mention of my mother's arrival but the joy didn't last long and was all too soon replaced with an overwhelming feeling of emptiness. As soon as I heard the door closed, I let my tears fall, knowing that I would never feel whole again and I was the one to blame. I cried knowing that I had to deny a part of myself. My heart would ache with each beat, desperately craving for its missing half. The void I felt was too much for me to bear and I cried myself to sleep, the same sentence repeating itself in my mind over and over again.

_You did it to yourself._

…

_Later that day_

« How do you feel? » I heard a familiar voice asked me as soon as I opened my eyes. I was met with my mom's cold stare, standing near the door, arms crossed over her chest.

"Tired" I answered, starting to tear up a bit. She looked so distant, almost indifferent as if I meant nothing to her but she was there. She came all the way from Vancouver to Salem for me, for us. Even though it would take her some more time to recover from the cold truth, in that moment I realized that she would eventually. Hidden behind those covers was still the woman who raised us, she couldn't erase that.

"Mom" I tried to speak up, feeling the need to tell her how sorry I was for disappointing her. I needed to spill my gut; I need to tell her that it was over, I wanted her to know that I had made a decision, a life changing one.

She shook her head, silencing me and after a moment of hesitation, she offered me a weak smile "Not yet" and with that she was out the door.


	19. Chapter 19

_04.22.2008 – Montreal_

A small sigh of relief involuntary escaped my lips as I plopped down on the couch after a long flight, though the joy of being home couldn't overpower the feeling of losing control whenever Tegan was around. Putting my head in my hands, I inhaled a deep breath, taking in the sweet scent of home lingering in the air, mixed with a little bit of Tegan's as she sat down next to me. Her scent filled my nostrils, forcing its way directly to my brain while I desperately tried to block her out. Failing as I started to feel the urge to inch closer to her I whispered shakily, "You shouldn't be here" Tegan turned around, staring at me

"Doctors said you shouldn't be alone. Hell, they said you shouldn't even have left the hospital!" she said gesturing wildly with her hands, her eyes wide open in shock as I struggled to keep my eyes on hers

"Well, you know what? I'm fine now! And I don't want you here." I said in a bitchy tone though I was telling the truth; I didn't _want_ her, I _needed_ her.

"You need to make up your mind, Sara. One second you want me and the next one you're running away from me" she said sounding somewhat disappointed. The look of hurt in her eyes forced me look away from her hazel orbs, I couldn't look at her if I was going to lie; she would read me like an open book

"Look, my mind is all made up now, and I don't _need_ you here. Maybe you should go back home to your _girlfriend_" I snapped at her, feeling the jealousy building up inside of me. I didn't know how it had happened, I thought that I could stay in control and keep her wanting me but the roles have been reversed and here was I craving her, though I knew I shouldn't. She had someone else now and she didn't need me anymore, she didn't want me.

"Yeah, whatever" she mumbled under her breath before grabbing her bag and heading towards the guest bedroom. I felt a pang in my chest as I heard the door slammed. That wasn't something I had chosen to do, she made me do it. She made me felt that way and I needed her in every way possible even though I knew I shouldn't. I needed to find a distraction if I wanted to keep the last bit of sanity I had left during the next two weeks, knowing that Tegan would be around.

In a flash, I was out the door, aimlessly walking around the streets of Montreal. I liked it here, I used to feel home in this city but at that moment, I knew that I had fooled myself all along. Home was wherever Tegan was and as the realization hit me, I felt this overwhelming sadness crash over me. I fastened my pace, as if I could escape but every step I made sent me further away from _home_. I kept walking, taking random turns left and right and found myself pushing open the double doors of a bar. The smell of strong alcohol and cigarette invaded my nostrils as I ordered the first of the many drinks I was planning to drink.

A handful of cheap glasses of Scotch later, I felt my body relax a bit. It only took me a few minutes to capture a certain girl's attention. The girl was quite attractive; I could easily walk over to her and buy her a drink to start a conversation. Instead, I watched her from a distance, comparing her to Tegan. Eventually, she approached me, a flirtatious smile plastered on her face. Her piercing green eyes never left mine as she walked over to me.

After a few minutes, I had understood that the girl, whose name was Joan, was more than willing to bring me home. Keeping this idea in the back of my mind just in case, I studied her feature. While beautifully green and mysterious, I couldn't lose myself in her eyes as I could in my sister's hazel orbs that I desperately craved. As she gently brushed her fingertips against my own, I took note of the lack of effect that that touch had on me. My heart didn't skip a beat as it would if it was Tegan's hand touching mine. My breath didn't catch in my throat as she leaned in to whisper in my ear. My body didn't react when she seductively bit her lip at me. I didn't feel that peculiar sparkle when her lips ghosted over mine. I didn't feel anything when those lips pressed against mine, and that was enough to make me pull back.

In my drunken stupor I exited the bar hurriedly and feeling frustrated. _It's so fucked up! I could be able to flirt with a girl without thinking about my sister! _I pulled my phone out of my pocket, scrolling to my contact list before pressing the call button on Emy's name.

"Hello?" she sleepily answered,

"What's wrong with me? I can't even pick up a girl at the bar without thinking about _her_!" I voiced my frustration without even apologizing for waking her up. I heard her sigh before she answered

"Sara, where are you? You sound like you've been drinking"

"And you know what is more pathetic about that? Tegan doesn't give a shit about me, she has a girlfriend. A _girlfriend_, Emy!" I said in disbelief

"Sara, you can't blame her for that. You treated her like a piece of shit during the last few weeks, obviously she's had enough. If you are in love with her, show her."

"No," I shake my head even though she couldn't see me "I never said I was in lo-" she cut me off before I could even finish my sentence

"It's not going to get better until you admit that to yourself, Sara" she said softly before telling me to go _home_, which I did.

The cab ride back home was a blur, Emy's word echoing in my mind. Eventually I arrived home, greeted by the silence. Grabbing a beer bottle from the fridge, I sat down in the living room. I felt out of place in my own apartment, I couldn't force myself to go to bed and I knew exactly why. Eyes wide open in the dark and focused on the spare room's door where Tegan slept peacefully; I tried long enough to fight against the magnetic pull that led me to the door. I turned the knob quietly and slowly pushed the door open. I stood in the doorway, watching her sleep as I tried to convince myself that I was doing it just because I needed some sort of closure, and not because I needed her.

I took my shoes off and walked towards the bed. She stirred slightly when I pulled the sheets off of her, exposing her to the cool air. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest as I crawled onto the bed and I positioned myself on top of her still sleeping figure. I straddled her waist and leaned in, placing soft kisses along the exposed skin of her neck

"Sara?" her voice broke the silence and for a second I stopped, and looked at her face, searching her eyes in the darkness. She shivered at my cold fingertips, wet from the condensation from my beer bottle as I brushed my fingers against her collarbone. I saw her shake her head before she grabbed my wrist and pulled my hand away from her.

"Please …" I whispered as I felt myself fall to piece as the thought of never be able to touch her ever again cross my mind

"You're drunk" she stated

"One last time. Please …" I begged her before I desperately pressed my lips against hers, pouring every ounces of emotion that I ever felt into the kiss.

"Okay" she mumbled against my lips and I felt her give in as she kissed back with as much passion. She released the hold she had on my wrist and grabbed my neck instead, pulling me closer. I felt her tongue ghost over my lips and parted them slightly, gladly accepting her tongue in my mouth. I explore her mouth with mine, knowing I wouldn't probably be given another chance to do so.

Eventually she pulled away from the kiss for a much needed breath and I whimpered from the loss. Both panting heavily, we looked into each other's eyes before I crashed my lips against hers once again. Her fingertips lazily ghosting over the bits of my skin under my shirt, moaning against her lips when she reached my breast. I pulled away and pulled her t-shirt over her head before tossing it over my shoulder. I lowered my head to her bare chest, softly kissing every inch of her skin. I took my time, enjoying every second of it before Tegan took the lead. She rolled us over and took my shirt off, my bra quickly followed and soon she was slowly grinding against my hips, causing the right amount of pressure to be applied to the place we needed it most. I flipped us over, needing to be in control for a last time, and positioned myself between her legs, trailing kisses down her stomach and stopping just above her pants. I slowly slid them down her thighs, along with her underwear before brushing my lips against her clit, earning a loud moan from Tegan's throat. Inhaling deeply, I collected the wetness between her folds before taking her throbbing clit in my mouth and sucking on it. "Fuck" she moaned before pulling me closer to her and thrusting her hips against my face. I put my tongue inside of her as deeply as I could and circled her clit with my thumb. I could feel her walls pulsing against my tongue and fastened my pace. "Sara," she said breathlessly "I need you here. Come up here" I obeyed and replaced my tongue with two of my fingers. I kissed her, letting her taste herself on my tongue while I kept a rhythmical pace with my fingers. Her moans and labored breath were like a melody to my ears as she unbuttoned my pants and shoved her hand down my underwear. With my free hand, I slid my pants and underwear just under my ass to give her a better access. I grinded against her hand, meeting her thrust as I felt the pleasure build inside of me.

All of a sudden, images of Lindsey in the position I was in flooded my mind and I quickened my pace, thrusting deeper and harder. Tegan's moans grew louder as I made sure that she'd remember me in the morning and added another finger inside of her. The headboard of the bed hit the wall each time I pushed my fingers into her. I needed her to feel me again in the morning when Lindsey would call her, as she promised when she dropped us off at the airport. I wanted her to remember how I fucked her when she'd talk to her girlfriend.

I looked at her and saw her eyes tightly shut. "Look at me" I needed her to acknowledge me and she barely did before she hit her climax. I felt her walls clenched around my fingers as she cried out, her back arching and that was enough to send me over the edge. I bit on her shoulder, surely to leave a mark for her admire later as I poured onto her hand. She rode out her orgasm against my hand before we both fell limp on the bed. After she caught her breath, a small smile formed on her lips and she opened her eyes, finally acknowledging me. She motioned for me to kiss her and I did.

"I love you" she whispered as she pulled away

"I thought you did, too. But then Lindsey arrived and you broke my heart." I replied with a sigh as I rolled off of her. The atmosphere drastically changed after this and we both fell silent, not even looking at each other.

"You never said that you loved me back" she whispered, and after a few minutes passed in silence, I started to stand up. "Where are you going?" she whined as I started to put my pants back on. I sighed as I buttoned my shirt then looked down at her

"What did you expect Tegan?" I asked blatantly "That I'd spend the night with you? That we could be together, uh? What about your _girlfriend?_" I asked, getting angry. She looked so vulnerable and I hated myself for pushing her away while all I wanted to do was crawl back onto the bed and fall asleep in her arms. I was just protecting myself, I didn't want to be hurt again. We couldn't be together; it was just so fucked up. I hovered my face over hers, placing my hands on either side of her face. "Do you realize that what we're doing is wrong? I don't want to do this … but I don't know how to stop it! Get a fucking grip, Tegan! We're sisters!" I said through clenched teeth and headed to the door, grabbing my shoes in the process. I didn't have the strength to look at her as I spoke "Even if I loved you … What would it change? You have Lindsey now" I said, feeling my throat tighten. As soon as I felt the first tears running down my cheeks, I was out the door, not letting her the time to answer. I didn't want her to see my weakness. I didn't want her to see that it broke my heart, too. Knowing that it was too late, I didn't want her to see that I loved her, too. She had already moved on.


	20. Chapter 20

_04.23.2008 – Montreal_

"Can we talk?" I heard as soon as I emerged from my bedroom. Tegan was sitting on the kitchen's counter, her eyes focused on the bowl of cereal that she was holding. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and nodded slowly, feeling my head pound.

"Sure, what do you want to talk about?" I ask as I poured myself a cup of coffee, my back facing her

"About last night, Sara!" she let out an exasperated sigh and I turned around, raising my eyebrows questioningly as I took a sip from the strong coffee. "Come on Sar, I'm tired of your shit. Don't play the innocent card with me" she said softly but I could clearly see the sadness in her eyes now that I was looking right into her hazel orbs.

"Hey, I'm not playing any card right now. What are you even talking about?" I asked, leaning against the wall as I took another sip from my coffee. I replayed the events from the night before and wondered to myself what I had done that required a conversation. I remembered arriving home, going out for a drink and the blonde girl at the bar … _or was she a brunette? Damn, I don't even know. _Then my mind was blank, the only thing I could remember was waking up with a headache.

"You don't even remember" she stated, biting her bottom lip and nodding slightly.

"W-what happened?" I asked hesitantly

"Nothing," she exhaled loudly, jumping off of the counter at a neck breaking speed and tossing her bowl in the sink "nothing ever fucking happened." She snarled, making me shiver as her words sunk in. I watched her retreat in her room, unable to say anything back at her as the pain caused by her words was spreading throughout my whole body. I stood there, long after she had slammed the guest room's door, I couldn't move. _I was nothing to her._ My eyes filled with tears as my hand clenched harder and harder around the cup I was holding until the porcelain broke under the pressure, spilling coffee everywhere on the floor. I watched, as if in a trans, the blood dripping from my hand and onto the soiled floor and I started to silently cried. I didn't know that words couldhurt _me_ that bad. I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth, trying to hold back the sobs that were threatening to break free.

I started to pick up the pieces of the broken cup, hoping I could do the same with my damaged heart.

…

_05.05.2008 - Madison_

It has been almost three weeks since the last time I let my fingers graze over her soft skin . Almost three weeks since I couldn't spend a day without shedding a few tears; and tonight wasn't going to be any different.

I thought that nothing could ever be worse than the two weeks in Montreal with only Tegan's cold shoulder to keep me company, but damn was I wrong. Now that we were back on tour, I had nowhere to go. I couldn't just spend my days hiding away in the aisles of my favorite bookstore like I used to in Montreal. No matter where we were, I had nowhere to hide. Now Tegan was around every fucking second of each day, with Lindsey glued to her like a leech. And I wasn't prepared for that.

Whatever it was that we had had ended the way it had begun and I thought that it would be easier to move on, but then again I was wrong and I often found myself thinking about Tegan's bare skin against mine. I still wanted her and I still desperately needed her no matter how hard I tried not to.

I laid wide awake, unable the block the sound of the moans and whispers coming from the other side of the thin hotel's wall. I couldn't help the pang in my chest as I imagined Lindsey's hands touching Tegan in the places I had touched her. I felt my throat tighten as I pictured her marking Tegan as her own, replacing the remaining of the bite marks I had left with her own. Once again, I couldn't help the tears forming in my eyes as I heard her come undone by the hands of another woman.

…

The next morning, as the boys enjoyed their breakfast, I stared blankly into my cup of coffee and as much as I hated to admit it, I was just waiting for Tegan to finally show up. I kept tuning out, not really paying attention to the conversation going on at the table. With the sleep deprivation, I couldn't really focus on anything. Much to my despair, Lindsey showed up but Tegan was nowhere to be seen. Lindsey showed up alone, smiling from ear to ear as she sat down at our table.

"Someone had a good night" Johnny teased, making her blush and I couldn't help but sigh as the memories of the night before came flooding back in my mind.

"And where's the lucky lady?" Ted asked with a smile on his face

"Still asleep" she responded before taking a bite of her toast

"Is that so because you worn he-" Johnny stopped mid sentence as I got up and headed to the elevators. I needed to talk to her, I couldn't stand this.

I stopped in front of her door and took a deep breath before knocking. I kept knocking, harder and harder until she opened the door.

"What the hell?!" she groggily said and I was reduced to a puddle when my eyes set on her. She was only wearing a thin white t-shirt, barely long enough to cover her underwear. I felt stupid under her gaze, at a loss of words. I tried to clear my throat but I couldn't get rid of the lump in it. I was nervous; I could feel my palms sweating and my heart pounding.

"Um, I-I-I wanted to t-talk" I muttered

"Not now" she said harshly and started to close the door, ready to push me away like she did these two weeks in Montreal, but I couldn't let it go without a fight. I pressed my palm flat on the door and held it open. I looked into her eyes, begging with my own and she let out a sigh before stepping to the side to let me in.

"What's wrong?" she asked exasperatedly, sitting down on her bed

"I can't do this" I whispered as I leaned back against the door "I just can't"

"What are you talking about?" she turned her head to face me

"I need you" I said slowly and lowered my head, feeling vulnerable

"Stop it" she said firmly

"I mean it!" I raised my voice, matching her tone

"Out. Get out" she stood up and rushed towards me. She tried to open the door but I stopped her, wrapping my arms around her as she tried to shove me off.

"Just hear me out" I pleaded in her ear, struggling to keep her in place. After a few long seconds she stopped fighting and started to sob in my arms. I held her tighter, trying to comfort her.

"W-why do you do that to me?" she cried "Why now? I've finally found someone! What do you want from me?" She sounded like a dying puppy and I didn't know what to do, I kept rubbing her back and kept my mouth shut until she pulled away slightly to look into my eyes and asked again "What is it that you want?"

"I want you. All of you. You're all I have, Tegan" I replied honestly, wiping her tears away. Slowly she pulled away, looking everywhere but at me.

"I can't," she said barely audible "because you were right. This," she said, motioning between me and her while the tears kept running down her cheeks "is hopeful"

"What do you mean?" I asked, having no memories of ever saying that.

"That's what you said that night in Montreal. You said it didn't matter if you loved me back … and you were right. It's so hopeful" she said as she put her face in her hands

"I didn't mean it" I said, taking a step towards her and wrapping my arms around her neck

"Why should I trust you?" she whispered as I started to kiss her neck lovingly, wishing I had said how much I cared for her and how much I loved her before she started to move on.

"Because I lo-" I started to answer but stopped dead in my tracks as I heard Lindsey's loud laugh in the hallway. Tegan looked at me with wide eyes and shoved me away when the sound of her footsteps approached.

"You have to go!" she said, pointing in the directing of the conjoined door that led to my own room. "Go!" she repeated when I didn't move and hurried me to the door and to my room.

I sat down on my bed, sighing loudly and staring at the empty space in front of me. I stayed like that for a few minutes, trying to understand and replaying Tegan's words in my head. I picked up my laptop and opened it, writing down that sentence that was stuck in my head. _I forget our love was so hopeful. _


	21. Chapter 21

_05.08.2008 – Indianapolis_

I was sitting at the table of the kitchen area from our bus, staring off into the cup of steaming coffee sitting in front of me. I was exhausted; I couldn't bring myself to sleep last night with the sound of Tegan and Lindsey's kisses and giggles filling my ears. Hopefully the caffeine would help me get through the day.

Sometimes I really believed that she was doing that only to get a reaction out of me but if I thought hard enough I knew I was just fooling myself, holding on to the last bit of hope I still had. If I knew my sister at all, I could see that she was falling for Lindsey. I could see it in her eyes when she looked at her, I could hear it in her voice when she talked to her. And every day I could feel my heart break a little bit more.

Tegan and I haven't talked much in the last couple of days. The only words exchanged between us were strictly professional and Tegan didn't really seem to care, or she was hiding it very well. I, on the other hand, was an utter mess. I was barely talking to anyone, I was forcing myself to shut off from the world in order to preserve my feelings. I needed time to build my walls back up, but every time Tegan and I would accidentally make eye contact, I would feel them crash down all over again, bringing me back to square one. I didn't know how long it would take me to cross that fine line between deep and intense pain and numbness, where you just didn't feel at all. I was teetering on the edge; it was just a matter of time.

I snapped out of my daze when Lindsey sat in front of me, hesitantly greeting me "Good morning". _Oh god … _I could feel her eyes on me but I couldn't bring myself to look up.

"Morning" I mumbled, stirring into my cup of coffee. I couldn't care less if she thought I was rude, I just didn't like her. We never really talked and I wasn't even nice to her. _Poor girl, she hasn't even done anything wrong. She's just dating your sister. You're the fucked up one in this situation._ I sighed as I started to stand up, willing to retreat into my bunk and bury my nose in a book to pass the time but Lindsey stopped me, putting her hand on top of mine.

"Sara, wait," she said, and I looked at her for the first time that morning, shooting her a glance that made her remove her hand quickly. "I um, kinda wanted to talk to you" _Well this is the last thing I want to do. _It was obvious she was nervous, so I sat down, giving her a chance, thinking it might have something to do with Tegan.

"About?" I asked flatly, not concerned enough to fake any emotion. I watched her struggling to find her words. Admittedly she was cute but I didn't see what Tegan saw in her.

"I, um, I just. I think we-" she trailed off, taking a deep breath "I know that you're worried about Tegan. I mean, she's your twin. I get that, I totally do. But you can trust me, I won't hurt her." She looked at me, searching for any sign of understanding, but I didn't show any. She was already in the wrong. Maybe a sick part of me hoped that she would hurt her and that Tegan would come back to me for comfort. She couldn't keep me at an arm length for the rest of her life. No matter what I did. We were twins, we shared a life together. "I really love her and I think if you'd take the time to get to know me, you'd see that." She paused, searching my eyes. But my mind was already in a different place, trying to find something to make her go and I wasn't really paying attention to what she was saying. She kept talking when I didn't respond "So maybe we could like, go for a drink. Like, tonight after the show?" My ears perked up, she was going to make it easy for me. I put on my best poker face and smiled at her.

"You're right. I'm just an asshole. I'm so sorry." I put my head in my hands, sighing into them. _Drama skills. _

"So … tonight?" she asked again, her voice filled with uncertainty and I looked up once again forcing a smile.

"Yeah. Sure" I said, nodding at the same time. _She won't push me away for the rest of her life, no matter what I'll do._

…

"I will play the rest of the song and I want every single person in this place to turn around and look at the girl who's giving us the finger because apparently all of our hard work and energy is not worth giving us respect. So turn around and give her the finger and we'll finish the fucking song" Tegan said, trying to stay calm after fucking up _I know I know I know_ a hundred of times. The audience cheered and obeyed, turning to the girl in the back of the room. I started at her, biting the inside of my cheek and clutching my guitar tightly.

"Fuck you! Get the fuck out of here. You don't get to come here and tell me to fuck off" I snapped at her, feeling the veins in my neck throbbing

"Okay, okay," Tegan tried to intervene "Hold on, hold on. The point has been made-"

"Seriously-" I spoke again but Tegan cut me off

"Hey, hey" Tegan tried again, motioning for me to calm down

"No." I said firmly, gesturing for Tegan to hold on, silencing her "No, seriously. Why don't you j- What are you going like this for?" I asked the girl as she gestured for me to come to her "Like, fuck off! Get the fuck off and get out of here. Seriously"

"Hey! Hey, you're the adult here Sara" Tegan tried to resonate me again but it only fueled my anger

"No. Fuck her" I shrugged my shoulders, getting angrier with each passing second. I was ready to strangle her but Tegan turned to look at me, talking off of her mic

"Hey Sar, it's fine. She's gonna get out, just calm down. Please. For me." she said with a small smile plastered on her lips, her hazel irises staring right through me. It only took her a fraction of second to reduce me to a puddle. I allowed my eyes to linger on her, just watching her for a few seconds. She looked happy, and for a second I wondered if it was just a façade, if really she was just as heartbroken as I was on the inside. I kept my eyes on her, studying her, trying to read her body language. She really just looked happy, despite how our relationship was reduced to nothing. She didn't seem to care. I used to have a hold on her, she always has been the clingy twin but somehow the roles have been reversed and I was now the one craving her, needing her attention. For another second I felt bad about what I was planning to do tonight, thinking that it was a terribly bad idea and that Tegan would never forgive me but then a camera flash momentarily blinded me for half a second and I tore my gaze away from Tegan, looking down at the source. My mood immediately shifted when my eyes landed on Lindsey's smiling face. And I didn't feel bad anymore; in fact I didn't feel at all. My mind was set. Things just needed to get worse before they started to get better, right?


	22. Chapter 22

« So, how long have you been seeing each other?" I asked as I came back with more drinks. I handed her her cocktail and took a sip from mine, waiting for her to answer.

"I don't really know, a few months. I guess we started dating a week before the tour started or something but we've known each other for a year or so," she said, talking loudly as she got more intoxicated as the minutes ticked by "But we've hooked up in the past though" she giggled and I put on a fake smile. Tegan never talked to me about her and they started dating before the tour even started. I took a sip from my cocktail, encouraging her to do the same. _That's it, keep drinking. It'd be easier if you're drunk. _We were in this bar for about an hour now and so far I only had two beers. Lindsey on the other was drunk off her ass. She probably thought that we engulfed the same amount of alcohol but every time I went to buy more drinks, I came back with a virgin cocktail for myself. I questioned her about their relationship and she gladly answered all of my questions, thinking she was gaining my trust. All she really did was extinguish any ounce of guilt or shame I could have felt. Tegan was really falling for her and I needed to hurry up before I completely lost her. _You already lost her_, my mind screamed at me but I refused to give up yet. I wasn't probably using the best technique to win her back but I didn't have any other choice.

Thinking back about it now, I did have another choice. I could have just told her how I felt and see if we could work things out. But I didn't, and in my twisted mind _this_ seemed like a good plan at the time.

"Hey, maybe we should head back now. It's getting pretty late" I said as I finished my drink. She gulped hers down and nodded.

"Okay. I'm gonna text Tegan and tell her we're going to the hotel" she mumbled, trying to find her phone in her purse in her inebriated state but I stopped her

"No, don't! I mean, let her have some fun. It's been a long and stressful day and …" I trailed off, shrugging. "She's with the guys, she's fine." I added as I stood up hoping she'd just let it go. She would ruin my plan if she texted her and I would have suffer through a night with Lindsey for absolutely nothing.

I helped her walk on our way back. She was drunker than I had anticipated and by the time we arrived at the hotel she was completely leaning against me, her arm hung lazily around my neck as I hold her by the waist. She was totally wasted, rambling incoherently but I paid little attention to what she was saying. I was just trying to keep the both of us on our feet as we walked down the hall. "Where's your key?" I asked breathless as I leaned her against the wall.

"I'm so drunk" she chuckled, looking up at the ceiling.

"No shit" I mumbled under my breath before grabbing her purse and looking through her mess for the key. I unlocked the door and helped her in. She plopped down on the bed, face first and let out a groan. I watched her and took a deep breath, briefly thinking that I shouldn't. But then I did. "Here, let me help you get changed. You won't be comfortable sleeping in those jeans" I said, taking a step towards the bed and waiting for her to move. She turned her head to look at me, eyes wide open and for a second I panicked, thinking that she wasn't drunk enough.

"I think I can manage to do that by myself" she said, chuckling

"You can't even stand on your feet" I insisted in a joking tone

"True. But I don't think your sister would appreciate that you undress me" She laughed and turned on her back. I inhaled sharply and started to take her shoes off while she kept laughing.

"I know" I said honestly. _Why do you think I'm here?_ "Where's your pajama?" I asked as I throw her shoes aside. She looked down at me, shaking her head and giggling.

"Seriously, it's fine" she said, standing up. She walked over to her suitcase but lost her balance and I caught her before she fell. My chest pressed against her back, feeling the vibrations of her body as she laughed

"Easy there" I said against her neck. I felt my heartbeat fasten and took a deep breath. _Here goes nothing. _I moved her hair to the side, exposing the back of her neck and pressed my lips against her skin. Her body froze and I felt the muscle in her neck tense against my lips.

"What are you doing?" she asked as she pulled away from me and turned around. A look of disbelief on her face as she looked at me curiously.

"I don't know" I responded quietly, placing a hand on her hip and bringing her closer. She stopped me, both of her hands on my chest.

"Sara, no. We can't. I can't" she said seriously, seeming to have sobered up. I leaned in anyway, my lips on her neck, I whispered again

"Why not?" I asked even though I already knew the answer. I just didn't care. It was the whole point. Tegan wouldn't want her any more if I touched her. I knew it. We had talked about it several times in the past.

"Because, Tegan …" she trailed off as I kissed her jaw, reaching her lips but she turned her head away, giving me her cheek. Really she wasn't putting that much of a fight; her hands were resting on my chest, not even pushing me. If she was going to give in that easily, then clearly she didn't deserve Tegan's attention.

"Tegan's not here right now," I sucked on her neck, my hand sliding under her blouse to rest on her bare stomach. "But A am … And we're basically the same" I said in a husky voice before pressing my lips against hers. This time she didn't turn her head and she stood there, her lips unmoving against mine. I pushed her towards the bed until the back of her knees hit the bed and she fell back with a gasp. I climbed on top of her, placing a leg between hers and reattaching my lips on hers hungrily while kicking off my shoes.

"We can't do that, Sara" she whispered against my lips but her body told me the opposite

"It's fine" I said as I pull away, locking my eyes on hers to reassure her before leaning in again. I kissed her lips and felt her kiss back hesitantly. I took this as a sign and licked her bottom lip, asking for entrance as my right hand found her side. She parted her lips slightly and I shoved my tongue into her mouth, exploring her while I bucked my hips into her. Her hands rested on my back, shaking. _What the fuck are you doing Sara?_ I pushed that thought in the back of my mind as I felt her moans vibrate against my lips. I pulled away, taking a breath and started to lift her blouse. She opened her eyes and, after a few seconds she leaned on her elbows, allowing me to pull her top over her head and tossing it over my shoulder. Her bra followed suit and I trailed my gaze down to her breasts. I studied her body, picturing Tegan's hands all over her skin. There was something quite enjoyable thinking about how, in some weird way and in that moment only, Lindsey was what connected us. She was a link. I was touching Tegan through Lindsey.

But she was also a barrier between Tegan and I. The only obstacle keeping us apart and I had to take it down. And if _this_ was the only way to reach Tegan, I sure as hell wouldn't feel bad about using Lindsey.

I leaned into her chest, taking her hard nipple into my mouth and pinching the other with my fingers. Her hands entangled in my hair as I moved to give to the other breast. "Shit" she moaned and I kissed up her neck, her jaw and finally her lips again while my fingers unbuckled her belt. Quite honestly, she was turning me on but it was nothing compared to what Tegan could make me feel.

I took her pants off along with her underwear as she struggled to unbutton my shirt. She was soaked, her cunt glistening as she spread her legs wider.

"You're so wet" I murmured as I caressed her inner thigh, letting my thumb trail along her slit before rubbing her clit. Her hips bucked up involuntary and she placed a hand on my bra covered chest when she got my shirt open, she explored my exposed skin with the other. Her eyes watching me, studying me almost, as she discovered the subtle differences between Tegan and I.

"Please" she whispered and I entered her with two fingers, starting to pump in and out of her, slowly starting a rhythm. She grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and brought me down to her, her lips colliding against mine. I thrusted faster into her as she moaned in my mouth. I used my other hand to unbutton and unzip my jeans when she made no moves to do it herself, at this point I needed a release too and we didn't have all the time we wanted ahead of us. I slid my pants and underwear down my ass, giving me enough room to move and I stopped my thrusts. She whined when I pulled out but I quickly grabbed her hips, bringing our cores closer together. I could feel the heat radiating off of her center and it drove me crazy. I pressed myself against her, rubbing our clit together. I moaned loudly at the sensation and picked up my pace, squeezing my eyes closed, imagining Tegan underneath me. I placed my moist fingers on her lips, and she took them in her mouth, sucking them clean while scratching her nails on my back, I could feel my skin being torn open while she moaned louder and louder. I threw my head back, thrusting my hips faster, harder and focusing on the feeling between my legs while she bucked her hips, matching the rhythm I imposed her. The headboard of the bed hit the wall each time I thrusted forwards, my skin slammed against hers rather violently, the sound of our moans filled the air and her back started to arch. I put my hands on her hips, keeping her in place as the waves of her orgasm began to wash over her, her whole body shaking and she cried out. "Oh fuck, Tegan!" I looked down at her, my brows furrowed but I let it pass, I didn't really care who she thought was fucking her. I watched her cum, breathing heavily, her body trembling. It gave me a good visual and it didn't take me long to finish. Two deep thrusts later, I hit my climax, biting down on my lip to keep me from crying out the same name as she did. I fell limp on top of her, our body glistening in a layer of sweat, we both breathed heavily, trying to fall back into a regular rhythm. I bit and sucked on her neck, making sure to leave marks just for the sake of it and kissed her lips and she kissed back lazily. I peck her one last time before lying down next to her.

"Fuck" I whispered once I came down from my high. I slid my underwear and jeans back up, not wanting to be exposed when Tegan came back, and turned my head to find a sleeping Lindsey. _At least she's not gonna kick me out. _I sighed deeply and closed my eyes, wanting to rest a little bit before the storm that was sure to come.


	23. Chapter 23

I was only asleep for a few minutes when I woke up to the sound of Tegan's voice "What the fuck is going on here?!" My eyes snapped open; I sat up straight on the bed and turned my face to look at Tegan. At this point, I still thought that all of this was worth it. I still believed that hurting her _a little _was worth it if it meant that I would have her back in the end.

But the moment my eyes landed on painful ones, I knew I was wrong. My breath caught in my throat and I regretted being the manipulative bitch I was. I regretted it all. Nothing was worth hurting her. Ever.

« Linds, what did … » She couldn't even finish her sentence as she put the pieces of the puzzle together. Lindsey stood up abruptly, mumbling _oh my god _over and over again as she gathered her clothes from the floor and started to dress. I watched Tegan watched her, her mouth falling open in shock. I stood up as well, my eyes never leaving her face and I started to button up my shirt while Lindsey started her endless plea.

"Tegan … Baby, it's not-" Tegan silenced her, shaking her head and putting a finger in the air

"Don't." she said, her voice hoarse. Then she turned her whole body towards me and I saw her demeanor changed. Her eyes darkened when she looked at me, her jaw stiffened and her fists clenched as she spoke again. "What did you do?" She asked through clenched teeth and I nonchalantly ignored her. I gulped and glanced down to finish buttoning my shirt, trying to stay stolid as my heart pounded in my chest, threatening to break the bones protecting it.

"Tegan!" Lindsey screamed and I only had the time to look up to see Tegan's fist centimeters away from me before feeling the sharp pain in my face. I fell back with the impact, my head hitting the ground and I swore I could see stars, but then Tegan was in my vision again, yelling in my face.

"What the fuck did you do?!" She grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and forced me into a standing position, slamming my body against the wall. I could smell the alcohol on her breath and my fear increased. I didn't know what she was capable of when she had been drinking. I should have thought about that sooner. She went to the bar with the boys; of course she would be drinking. I should have anticipated that.

"Tegan, we were drunk, we didn't-" Lindsey tried to speak but Tegan cut her off

"You shut the fuck up!" she yelled at her, not even bothering to look at her. Her eyes still fixed on mine. "Answer me." She said, her hands clenching on my throat. I couldn't even breath, how could I speak?! I tried to fight her off but my moves were useless. Clearly, one punch was enough to knock me out. But Tegan didn't share my thoughts when she punched me again in the face. I could see traces of blood on her hand. I tried to focus on her face, my vision was blurry but I didn't know if it was because I was punched in the face or because the lack of oxygen or because I was crying. I simply didn't know. I couldn't even stand on my legs, Tegan was keeping my on my feet with her firm hand on my neck. Then at some point I believed she was crying because I could hear her sniffling when she slammed my body against the wall and kicked me again and again. Or maybe it was Lindsey crying. Or maybe it was me.

The pounding didn't cease when she stopped pushing me against the wall and I thought that maybe I was hearing things because my brain had been injured and I was sure I was going to pass out but then I could breathe again. It's only when Ted lifted Tegan away from me that I realized her has been pounding on the door, probably alerted by the screams and noises. The second Tegan's hands were off of me, I fell to the floor, my hands immediately flying to my throat as I struggled to catch my breath.

"Get the fuck off of me!" Tegan yelled again, kicking her legs in the air, trying to break free from Ted's embrace. He had wrapped his arms around her, trying to make her calm down.

"Tegan, stop! What the hell happened?" His voice was louder than Tegan's screams but he never got an answer. Lindsey was crouched down in one of the corners of the room, crying her eyes out and I was just speechless. Tegan could have killed me and Lindsey wouldn't have moved an inch to stop her.

"Tegan, I'm so sorry" Lindsey sobbed but Tegan didn't acknowledge her. The fire behind her eyes was still fixed on me when she stopped fighting against Ted, sending shivers down my spine. I never saw her this angry.

"Guys, what happened?" he asked again while I tried to stand up. I winced in pain and stopped moving. I was suddenly aware of the blood dripping from my eyebrow and nose. I touched my face, assessing the damages and sighed. My hand was covered in blood from this simple touch. "Oh my god Sara! I think maybe you need to see a doctor" Ted exclaimed

"I'm fine" I lied in a hoarse voice. My body was sore, I wasn't sure if I could ever stand up. My throat burned and it was still hard for me to breathe normally. I closed my eyes and held my head back, hopefully to stop the bleeding. I exhaled shakily, trying to focus on my breathing; I blocked everything out while crying silently.

I hadn't anticipated that blowout. I had imagined screaming, perhaps a few tears, a cold shoulder for a few days but never had I envisioned this. She fucking beat me up; she could have killed me! And the worst had yet to come.

"Tegan!" My eyes snapped open at Ted's voice and I saw her launching towards me. In a flash I was in a ball on the floor, my arms wrapped around my head to somewhat protect me, waiting for her to finish me off. But it never came.

"Look at me" she said in my ear and I hesitantly did as I was told, afraid that she might hit me again. I looked up to her teary eyes. "When this tour is over, we're done" she said in all seriousness, her red and puffy eyes focused on mine and in that moment I just wished that she would hit me again instead of talking because her words are even more painful. "Do you hear me? When all of this is over, I never want to hear a single word from you ever again." She paused watching my reaction, and I don't know, maybe she wasn't satisfied enough with my tears and the blood dripping down my face because she plunged the knife deeper, her words freezing me on my spot "This," she motioned between us "is over. I never want to see your face again. I never want to hear your voice again. Got it?" I wasn't sure if my heart was still beating at this point. And maybe I wished that she would have killed me earlier, it'd still be better than this little death. I kept crying, shaking my head, trying to beg for her forgiveness but no coherent words would come out of my mouth and she didn't flinch.

"Please" I managed to choke out, placing a hand on her arm, trying to soften her feature but she shoved my bloody hand away

"Do you understand?" she asked again through clenched teeth and having no other choice, I bit down on my quivering lip as I nodded. "Good" she said when she stood up again, heading towards the door.

"Teg-" Lindsey tried to stop her but Tegan kept walking.

"You're fired" she told her, and with that she was out the door without a single glance my way as I watched her leave.


End file.
